Today i feel real crummy about my body. I stood in the mirror and just stared and was annoyed. Also, my head feels like it's about to explode. It looks as though i'll be on a diet of water and cold medicine for a couple of days.
I also just realized that i missed our annual "Christmas cheer" party....mostly because i wasn't invited, and i'm a little bit sad about missing it because it's a fun tradition but i don't have any strong feelings about it.
So that says something.
The snow is here, it's real pretty. Also, the cold. That's undesirable at best.
But my cube is full of Christmas lights so i really like being at work.
I will now drink tea and get the eff out of this funk.
I'm into being honest these days. So that's where im at right now, it'll be better later today.
Also, Sara Bareillis' Blessed Unrest is my favorite thing.
Also, i've got this boy on the brain....that's weird. not all the time....just some of the time and i just don't know.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
i'll bow out of place, save you some space....
i thought it might be fun to make a list of song that my titles for my blogs come from....
1. "caught in the inbetween..." Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin
2 "bind my wandering heart" Come Thou Fount, David Crowder
3. "you got somewhere to go and get found" Thank God for Hometowns, Carrie Undertwood
4. I'm Just a dreamer..." Better as a Memory, Kenny Chesney
5. i'm dont' buy the lines in magazines..." Real, live Woman, Trisha Yearwood
6. "they say, you can't go home again" The House the Built Me, Miranda Lambert
7. "Find your way back home" Back Home, Dave Barnes
8. "i don't need answers, i just need some peaces" When a Heart Breaks, Ben Rector
9. This drifter world..." Please Come to Boston, Dave Loggins
10. "Stuff and nonsense" Stuff and Nonsense, Missy Higgins
11. Stompa your hands" Stompa...i can never remember
12. so let my whole life be" Glory to God....every worship band ever.
13. " I try to love Jesus and myself" This is Me, Faith Hill
14. "let your heart, sweetheart be your compass," Compass, Lady A
15. "if the world was as it should be...." Oh My God, Jars of Clay
16. "me, i guess i was a shoulder to cry on" Last Chrsitmas, the Glee version
17. "not ready to make nice" Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
18. "if this is my right of passage...." Brave, Indina Menzel
19. "lights will guide you home" Fix You, Coldplay
20. "I'll unfold for you, a life together"....I Choose You, Sara Bareilles
21. "i've been up and prayin hard" Counting Stars, One Republic
22. "no one can hold me back..." Catching my Breath, Kelly Clarkson
23. "i keep wishin my life away" Things i'll ever say, Avril levigne
24. " i put my little black dress on" Little Black Dress, Sara Bareillis
25. "livin my life like it's golden" Golden, Jill Scott
26. "december, you've always been a problem child" December, Sara Bareillis
27. "you're not alone in how you've been" Bruises, Train
28. "it takes two...." It' takes two, Kay Perry
29. "who would have known how bittersweet...." Someone like You, Adele
30. "i'm not lost, just wandering" Hometown Glory, Adele
31. "You can turn a word in to a weapon or a drug" Brave, Sara Bareillis
that's it for now....it's a strange....mix of songs but i love them all for the lryics.
1. "caught in the inbetween..." Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin
2 "bind my wandering heart" Come Thou Fount, David Crowder
3. "you got somewhere to go and get found" Thank God for Hometowns, Carrie Undertwood
4. I'm Just a dreamer..." Better as a Memory, Kenny Chesney
5. i'm dont' buy the lines in magazines..." Real, live Woman, Trisha Yearwood
6. "they say, you can't go home again" The House the Built Me, Miranda Lambert
7. "Find your way back home" Back Home, Dave Barnes
8. "i don't need answers, i just need some peaces" When a Heart Breaks, Ben Rector
9. This drifter world..." Please Come to Boston, Dave Loggins
10. "Stuff and nonsense" Stuff and Nonsense, Missy Higgins
11. Stompa your hands" Stompa...i can never remember
12. so let my whole life be" Glory to God....every worship band ever.
13. " I try to love Jesus and myself" This is Me, Faith Hill
14. "let your heart, sweetheart be your compass," Compass, Lady A
15. "if the world was as it should be...." Oh My God, Jars of Clay
16. "me, i guess i was a shoulder to cry on" Last Chrsitmas, the Glee version
17. "not ready to make nice" Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
18. "if this is my right of passage...." Brave, Indina Menzel
19. "lights will guide you home" Fix You, Coldplay
20. "I'll unfold for you, a life together"....I Choose You, Sara Bareilles
21. "i've been up and prayin hard" Counting Stars, One Republic
22. "no one can hold me back..." Catching my Breath, Kelly Clarkson
23. "i keep wishin my life away" Things i'll ever say, Avril levigne
24. " i put my little black dress on" Little Black Dress, Sara Bareillis
25. "livin my life like it's golden" Golden, Jill Scott
26. "december, you've always been a problem child" December, Sara Bareillis
27. "you're not alone in how you've been" Bruises, Train
28. "it takes two...." It' takes two, Kay Perry
29. "who would have known how bittersweet...." Someone like You, Adele
30. "i'm not lost, just wandering" Hometown Glory, Adele
31. "You can turn a word in to a weapon or a drug" Brave, Sara Bareillis
that's it for now....it's a strange....mix of songs but i love them all for the lryics.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
I just read an article....this is part of it. I love it. I am amening to myself.
Please don’t envy me because I am you, just with different features and freckly skin.
I have some really shitty days and some really good days. I cry, I yell, I laugh.
Sometimes, I get upset and I send impulsive texts filled with nonsense to my boyfriend, that I wish I could erase before they turn green.
There are days I feel confused, and days everything makes sense.
I have been offered some deserved opportunities over the years, a product of un-waivering discipline and hard work, but my daily life is quietly mundane; I spend most of my time with my daughters, or alone- writing and teaching at my studio.
I have issues with my parents. I have issues. Period.I have an obsession with pretzel m & m’s–I eat way too many of them.
I get lonely, really lonely–I cry and then, I get over it.I get angry, really angry–I yell or I cry and then, I get over it.
I look in the mirror in the morning, and I hate my hair.
Sometimes I want to throw my children out of a window because they drive me crazy when they fight.
I just finished yelling at them for not going to bed.
When I need a break from my seriousness, I watch awful movies on my computer in my bed while eating Triscuits.
I will go to sleep tonight at 8:30 because that’s how I roll. I don’t have a glamorous social life,
I’d rather be at home even if I had the option of being out on the scene.
I’m a girl who found what I love, and I work really damn hard for everything I have created.
Don’t envy me. I don’t envy you, because I know we are all the same–at least that’s my perspective.
I have some really shitty days and some really good days. I cry, I yell, I laugh.
Sometimes, I get upset and I send impulsive texts filled with nonsense to my boyfriend, that I wish I could erase before they turn green.
There are days I feel confused, and days everything makes sense.
I have been offered some deserved opportunities over the years, a product of un-waivering discipline and hard work, but my daily life is quietly mundane; I spend most of my time with my daughters, or alone- writing and teaching at my studio.
I have issues with my parents. I have issues. Period.I have an obsession with pretzel m & m’s–I eat way too many of them.
I get lonely, really lonely–I cry and then, I get over it.I get angry, really angry–I yell or I cry and then, I get over it.
I look in the mirror in the morning, and I hate my hair.
Sometimes I want to throw my children out of a window because they drive me crazy when they fight.
I just finished yelling at them for not going to bed.
When I need a break from my seriousness, I watch awful movies on my computer in my bed while eating Triscuits.
I will go to sleep tonight at 8:30 because that’s how I roll. I don’t have a glamorous social life,
I’d rather be at home even if I had the option of being out on the scene.
I’m a girl who found what I love, and I work really damn hard for everything I have created.
Don’t envy me. I don’t envy you, because I know we are all the same–at least that’s my perspective.
Caught in the inbetween....a beautiful disaster....
Thinkin' of all the paths i've veered from. All the rights instead of lefts i've takin and where it's brought me. All the yeses instead of nos. All the sacrafices. Wondering, hoping, holding my breath thinking about whether or not all the roads would lead here.
To this moment. it's nothing special, this moment, but all the choices have led me here.
I'm wondering if the hard, and the lonely and breakin' is all part of what's shaping me for something bigger? What if the something bigger, isnt' bigger? What if it's just being brave enough to do what is scary, or radical or unconventional.
See the things is, i was wired for something. but somewhere in the the process the wires got crossed and fried and i'm trying to figure out just how exactly to reconnect everything. I guess the beautiful thing is that sometimes i complete the circuit, and i light up and i do what i was made to do...but i have to find a way to keep the circuit together and i haven't found a way to do that yet.
Sometimes I wish I could take myself out of me and go into....you. Whoever "you" is. Someone who sees me not the way i see myself....or maybe like i see myself, i suppose it depends on the "you."
Would i look like i think i look, or would a different pair of eyes have more grace and see more beauty. Would i, as you, see all my real and perceived imperfections, or would you just see me? What do my spirit and my heart look like to my mom, my best friend, an acquaintance? Do i laugh too loudly, am i too proud, can you see that i'm trying to fake having it all figured out. Maybe if i knew i'm not fooling anyone it would be easier to accept that my life is not my own, and it's all part of a crazy plan that was created before the stars were hung in the sky.
What do my eyes tell you? Because as weird as it sounds, seeing me as you would probably help me see myself more clearly.
Still, seeing me is only a quick snap shot, a freeze frame of my life. Me now is not me in a year or even in 10 minutes, but still i think it would help us love each other more if we could see ourselves the way other people see us. for better or worse.
Most of the time i feel like i'm looking in a fun house mirror, imperfections accentuated, insecurities amplified, truths twisted so much that i barely recognize the person staring back at me.
How did i let myself believe that I'm not perfect the way i am? i have to have more friends, make more money, be more beautiful, be more successful, have more authority.
Especially when the truth is we were made to be more than a title on a door or the number on a pay check. When we let that define us, we let it confine us.
We need to break out, it's our time to shine.
The way we need to see ourselves is the way God sees us. Perfect, precious, and necessary.
To this moment. it's nothing special, this moment, but all the choices have led me here.
I'm wondering if the hard, and the lonely and breakin' is all part of what's shaping me for something bigger? What if the something bigger, isnt' bigger? What if it's just being brave enough to do what is scary, or radical or unconventional.
See the things is, i was wired for something. but somewhere in the the process the wires got crossed and fried and i'm trying to figure out just how exactly to reconnect everything. I guess the beautiful thing is that sometimes i complete the circuit, and i light up and i do what i was made to do...but i have to find a way to keep the circuit together and i haven't found a way to do that yet.
Sometimes I wish I could take myself out of me and go into....you. Whoever "you" is. Someone who sees me not the way i see myself....or maybe like i see myself, i suppose it depends on the "you."
Would i look like i think i look, or would a different pair of eyes have more grace and see more beauty. Would i, as you, see all my real and perceived imperfections, or would you just see me? What do my spirit and my heart look like to my mom, my best friend, an acquaintance? Do i laugh too loudly, am i too proud, can you see that i'm trying to fake having it all figured out. Maybe if i knew i'm not fooling anyone it would be easier to accept that my life is not my own, and it's all part of a crazy plan that was created before the stars were hung in the sky.
What do my eyes tell you? Because as weird as it sounds, seeing me as you would probably help me see myself more clearly.
Still, seeing me is only a quick snap shot, a freeze frame of my life. Me now is not me in a year or even in 10 minutes, but still i think it would help us love each other more if we could see ourselves the way other people see us. for better or worse.
Most of the time i feel like i'm looking in a fun house mirror, imperfections accentuated, insecurities amplified, truths twisted so much that i barely recognize the person staring back at me.
How did i let myself believe that I'm not perfect the way i am? i have to have more friends, make more money, be more beautiful, be more successful, have more authority.
Especially when the truth is we were made to be more than a title on a door or the number on a pay check. When we let that define us, we let it confine us.
We need to break out, it's our time to shine.
The way we need to see ourselves is the way God sees us. Perfect, precious, and necessary.
Monday, December 2, 2013
bind my wandering heart to thee....
My life is simple. My dreams change frequently, and I'm only now learning that I have the right to ask the people in my life to love me the way I need it.
There's a lot of truth in "We accept the love we think we deserve."
Today, though, it snowed. The big snowflake kind. The kind of snow that ends in snow angels and snowball fights and snowmen. So there was snow fun, big snow flakes, and hot chocolate. I updated a resume and went to love some people who lost their dog.
It feels really great to belong to a place and a group of people.
Now, i'm falling asleep the glow of white twinkle lights, thanking God for a life less ordinary.
Today, that was enough.
There's a lot of truth in "We accept the love we think we deserve."
Today, though, it snowed. The big snowflake kind. The kind of snow that ends in snow angels and snowball fights and snowmen. So there was snow fun, big snow flakes, and hot chocolate. I updated a resume and went to love some people who lost their dog.
It feels really great to belong to a place and a group of people.
Now, i'm falling asleep the glow of white twinkle lights, thanking God for a life less ordinary.
Today, that was enough.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
You got somewhere to go and get found....
Leaving is easier when you get to where you're going there are people who are wait. Excited to love you. Excited to see you. Excited to hear about your adventures when you were away.
I am so beyond thankful for the people who love me. who let me discover hard truths with soft places to land. Tonight, after a really great time in my hometown, I came back to my here home, and all the faces i i love. The faces that after being away from for 5 days. i missed. and much like my parents, when i see them....i just feel like everything's just gonna be ok.
I've had some hard chats. The kind that makes your insides do somersaults because it involves a lot of humbling. All i can say, is I always try, sometimes i fail miserably, and sometimes people get hurt in the process, and then I have to apologize.
and unfortunately, in living life, you get kinda banged up. I mean, if you're doing it right, and in the process you lean a lot. and do better next time because you can't do better if you don't know better.
Anyway, coming back to the grove and to my people was beautiful. I love them so much. The unexpected, and the unlikely, are quickly become the most amazing things in my life. And somehow i always get the better end of the bargin.
Here as much as there, i feel found and safe and happy and i have the freedom to freak out, figure it out, and fix what need fixing. I feel like not everyone gets those kinds of people who listen, and tell you the truth and hug you when you need huggin'.
compasses and anchors.
I am so beyond thankful for the people who love me. who let me discover hard truths with soft places to land. Tonight, after a really great time in my hometown, I came back to my here home, and all the faces i i love. The faces that after being away from for 5 days. i missed. and much like my parents, when i see them....i just feel like everything's just gonna be ok.
I've had some hard chats. The kind that makes your insides do somersaults because it involves a lot of humbling. All i can say, is I always try, sometimes i fail miserably, and sometimes people get hurt in the process, and then I have to apologize.
and unfortunately, in living life, you get kinda banged up. I mean, if you're doing it right, and in the process you lean a lot. and do better next time because you can't do better if you don't know better.
Anyway, coming back to the grove and to my people was beautiful. I love them so much. The unexpected, and the unlikely, are quickly become the most amazing things in my life. And somehow i always get the better end of the bargin.
Here as much as there, i feel found and safe and happy and i have the freedom to freak out, figure it out, and fix what need fixing. I feel like not everyone gets those kinds of people who listen, and tell you the truth and hug you when you need huggin'.
compasses and anchors.
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