I could cry when i think that my biggest blessing has come in the form of a little bit of heartache and 4 people.

the best thing about this year? Them.

What do you do with a girl like....nicole?

So today I'm been presented with an interesting situation:

What do I  say about why I left and how things are going to people who don't know all the details.

I guess i wasn't really ready for that today and i didn't know what to say.

and as per usual, it got awkward.

you can trun a phrase into a weapon or a drug....

"We are so limited, you have to use the same word for loving Rosaleen as you do for loving Coke with peanuts. Isn't that a shame we don't have many more ways to say it?”  - The Secret Life of  Bees.

I've been out of words lately, but this, exactly this. I wish there were more words.

We'll be counting stars....

I feel like my year has been book ended by Octobers..

And nothing has been the same since that wedding and that season and that Halloween with my A-Team.

there will probably never be sufficient words to grasp how weird and special and significant it all is.

even at my worst ,i'm best with you.........

Thankful that my people are the kind that make me always want be be a better human.

there's beauty in the break down....

i picked up my college girl this weekend. Good know that there are constants in my life.

everything is weird.

But on Friday i went to get my girl. I hugged her after two months, and she looked older. She showed me her dorm and her roommates and friends and her campus. I pictured her with coffee in hand, walking to class, listening to music while growing up into who she's becoming.

The only silence in the car was when we took music breaks to sing to Adele and Katy perry and Taylor.

our old stand bys. Friends who never change, and with each song, we talked more about what is happening, and what has happened.

And we laughed. and it was beautiful.

We made a pit stop in Eau Claire. Beautiful Eau Claire and I showed her around my old college campus. And she pictured 18 year old me discovering this big world in between novels and sips of coffee and lesson plans.

There is something cool about seeing places your people love and seeing it through their eyes. Hearing them talk about why they love something, sharing in that excitement, it's fun and memorable, and never a waste of time.

And we drove home taking in OUR Season. So many full circle moments. It was beautiful.

And today, we had breakfast, the three of us, and we all caught up and laughed about how dumb the dogs are. Then, we drove to st. Paul and she told me everything that she had realized in the last 7 weeks and we talked about her mom, and God and how we are just the strangest little duo but we're thankful for how rare and weird and special we are.

And picking her up is something i always do. She is my girl and i think we both needed to see how true that still is.

This it's birthday week, and I'm not even feeling it a little, which is ridiculous because i love justifying things that are ridiculous with "whatever, it's birthday week"

last year on my 28th birthday, I ate pizza and went to a movie with Sam and Julia and i loved everything about it. I ate really great food with the people i loved and we laughed a lot.

and that's all i ever want to happen.

Whatever happens this week, I'm super thankful that i got to spend the weekend with my Ju like I did. I needed it as much as she did.

I have no boundries, call me a gyspy.....

Sometimes I'm dumb and i feel like a gypsy and like things are about to change.

And I'm not about that life.

and my birthday's in a week and half so really great time to reflect on everything that hasn't happened.

So, we're adding another person to the house. It's absolutely the right thing to do. It's what we are called to do for sure, and She's super sweet and needs love and support and a community.

I believe all of that.

But it comes at sacrifice and the only child in me is not having it. it's JUST STUFF. i know that. I really, really do.  I'm usually so good at sharing but when it comes to my people, i don't wanna share.

and it's less about sharing and more about our dynamic changing, our relationship changing and this fear of being replaced or a season being over...or....something.

so i need to get to a place where i'm cool with all of it, and i will. Today, i'm just not there.