love's not easy, but it's' worth it.....

Sometimes incredibly emotional moments happen, and sometimes i let people experience them with me, which is actually pretty rare. I cry a lot, but when it's about real stuff-the stuff that scares me, or tugs at my heart- that stuff? i cry about when no one's around. it's just easier that way.

but sometimes, I let myself be sad, i kind of drop the stuff I've been carrying- which...as i think about Katie's "prophetic side note" of two years ago....i think it interpreted it all wrong...and now...well...the garbage bag on my back...holds new meaning. I don't even know. It probably wasn't even real, actually, so I'm forcing meaning into things that have none.

anyway...there I sat, on Sunday night in the car after an incredibly emotional (in a good way) weekend, lots of tears, and words and thoughts that didn't really make much sense. I said out loud what i often wonder in my head. Things I hadn't wonder about with anyone... I sat in my own confusion and for once didn't really try to make sense of it. It just was.

In the midst of that, I saw on the tiniest, babiest level, what it was like for her to live that reality 7 years ago. When you get a glimpse into other people's worlds, you just understand better...you'll never really get it, but you get....closer....it seems more real....the struggle is almost tangible.

In that moment my heart broke for her. Knowing that was reality all the time and that there was a new baby and she was alone, basically.  My heart broke not in a way that was like "oh i feel so bad", but More of....holy shit...she's incredible to have come through that. And the restoration that has happened since then, that doesn't happen with out Jesus.  God is crazy and he really does use the most broken parts of life to preach, to connect us, to teach us.

For whatever reason, Sunday night in the driveway, i saw a different part of Lisa. I saw her my age being scared and confused and angry about having to be in the trenches of hell, and watching someone she loved in the midst of addiction and I don't think that's insignificant.

i dont' even know how to end this...i have nothing wise to say, or thought to leave you with...so I'm not even going to try. I've just been thinking about that moment a lot today and I don't want to forget it any time soon.

In my important relationships, there are just moments that are super memorable, and this was one them. I don't know that's she'll ever remember the night we sat in her car and i lost my shit and she told me a little bit of what it was like for her...but i will, and I'll remember it being a moment that I understood her a little bit better...and loved her more because of it.

God's funny. and i am thankful.

i got the eye of the tiger....

What happens when Lisa asks "what if we took in a pregnant girl"

nobody knows.

but we're all about to find out.  Together.

Stay tuned kids, this is going be one for the books.

pray for her, and us and let's just see what God has in store for us, you know?

I'm gonna write about it, and we'll see what comes of it.

I'm currently half excited and half, well....not.

The not part is just unsure how it's all gonna work, and a little territorial when it comes to sharing my people, and knowing that some things will change and our kitchen table time might look different. Also, space...and who goes where and whatnot....it's all...well....uncharted.

the excited part of me is happy for all the right reasons, it's gonna be an experience that will stretch us, deepen our relationships and we get to for real do something crazy and love people radically. also, there will eventually be a baby. A baby girl.

And if you want any adult thats not you around your daughter, it's Lisa...and maybe me. We are a pretty bitchin' (no pun intended) team.

I get to go on this ride with the people i love the most and watch how it changes all of us.

That's pretty neat.

There should be an instruction manual for life.

turns out, i'm just little old me.....

i really like to be a favorite. a best friend. the one who gets it right 97 percent of the time and reads all the signals well, and who knows what to do and how to respond before it anything happens. I like knowing people well.

that's not my currently reality and the truth is, I'm not interested in trying to get there, really. I should be trying to one up people and out "thoughtful" them, but I'm not. I'm kind of tired.

I'm just gonna be who i am, and i don't care if sometimes i swear, or never wear make up, or am not trendy. When I'm super on my game, I'm charming and funny and sweet, and snarky at the same time.

I'm like a war head, sour at first then sweet at the center. Because at the end of the day i just want to be nice.

I just feel like I'm supposed to be winning everyone's heart and i have no idea how to it and i don't know if want to.

I just feel awkward and like I'm in the way all the time. 

Isn't that the dumbest things you've ever heard?  yeah. i think so too. i hope this phase of awkward dies quickly.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.....

“How well can we really know another person? People can be in your lives for years- they can fill your lives. But all you really know of them are the stories they tell you. And then they die. They always leave a mystery behind.”  - The Summer We Read Gatsby


I have nothing to say about this, really, except that i love it. I love the idea that that after you die, you're something people wonder about. the air of mystery just seems magical. I'm all about magical feelings lately.

 Words make my heart warm, and the people who put phrases together that roll around in your brain for hours and days. The people who manage to put into words what you can't. What you're thinking or feeling, the people who make you feel like you're not alone, that someone gets it and can articulate memories, feelings and moments with the exact right words.

To those people, I raise my coffee cup to you this morning.

Your warm whispers, out of the dark, they carry my heart....

Bless this mess
and the unrest.
and what's done
and yet to come.

amen.

Julia, sleeping sand, silent cloud......

So. I have a Julia. She's 18 and in her freshman year of college, where she is learning about the world and herself, and she's 5 hours away.  So I have to watch it all happen from the sidelines. But there is a place in my heart reserved only for her.

 

She has a twin, and an older sister, and i love them, too, so much. But Julia and I we have this super cool, super weird, super strong connection. I helped her pass Spanish, mend several broken hearts and i gave her a safe place to land when shit got real.  She is the little sister I never had. 

 

And I'm so thankful for that spitfire of an 18 year old. you don't even know. I get protective and jealous when other people try to speak into her life....which is dumb but....it's who i am...so get over it.

 

As you'd expect with teenagers, sometimes she feels really far away from. She pulls away when she's making not so great choices, and come running when she doesn't know what to do, and what she's learning, and I am, too, i guess, is how we love each other through it all. We've had our share of disagreements. We've fought like siblings, and i have to play the "adult" card sometimes, which is hard but necessary. She hates it but she also knows I do it because I care about her.

 

Some of our most sacred moments, where the really good things happen, have been in the car after picking her up form school and bringing her home. I've learned what it means to stand in the gap for someone and she's learned that there are people she can trust.

 

And it all started in the Fall, at Nina's over coffee and next to a boy who looked like John Mayer, when i had no idea what was going on in her family, and neither of us had any idea how important the other would become.

 

I keep tabs on her, (you would, too, don't even act like you wouldn't, I'm sure you all have siblings, since I'm the only one in the universe who is actually an only child.) and sometimes i worry that our super cool secret bond was a season....but I don't think it is, i think in the chapter our relationship just looks a little different, and that's cool because we need room to grow and change. When you're able to grow and change differently together, well, that's the sign of a forever thing.

 

Tonight, after leaving the youth group I am currently serving in. I was thinking about those girls, and how that was once Julia. Just some girls lookin' for some love and support from someone who isn't their parent, who need help figuring life out, and how blessed i feel to stand in that space. Yet, i'm a little sad because i know they aren't Julia. And i miss that little starfish.

 

She's incredible. She's so talented, has such an amazing heart and I'm certain that mark she'll leave on this place will be big, and oh, so lovely.

 

As i was feeling nostalgic, and missin' that Ju, she sent me this:

 

 

You know what almost mad me cry today?

I was picturing our beginnings. In my like...sorrows. of my mom and everything. and just being in your apartment in st paul. and how now im here. and you are giving your light to these new beautiful girls...and i know 100% i am not replaced but still, times are changing. It's not a bad sad. just a nostalgic kind of love sad.

and picturing how you've been there for so many things with me.

like my mom.

and watching gilmore girls after caleb destroyed my heart

and the season final

finale*

my graduation

and picking me up from college

and it all just made me cry

and also like, autumn is our SEASON.

 

 

In case you're wondering, i cried. I miss her and I love her. In about a week and a half, I get to go pick her up from school and bring her home for a week. 5 hours in the car with her and i get her all to myself. We'll drink coffee, and talk and sing Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry. The she'll get sleepy and put in her ear buds and sleep because silence is ok with us and the car is our place.  Added bonus: She's coming home during birthday week and that's probably the best birthday present ever.

 

So, I'm feeling mighty sure that young people are my calling. So glad that I don't always know how everything's going to unfold, because this journey I've been on with the Ju and her family has been gut wrenching, and hard, but God is all over it. He is in the good places and in the sad ones, and trucking along side us as we speed off into the future.  Had i known all that would unfold, i might have chickened out. Instead, I've gotten my heart broken and found Jesus in the scattered pieces.

 

And he's putting us all back together. I literally don't know if there is anything more amazing than that.

 

Maybe your "Julia" looks different, but is there someone in your life that's on your mind or tuggin' at you heart? You should probably pay attention to that because it could take you on a beautiful, life changing ride.