Who i am is not just me.....

Let me tell you a little story about a girl who is in love with Fall.

Fall is like an old friend that you haven't seen for awhile but no matter how long it's been, you always feel this strong connection that nobody knows you in quite the same way.

Somehow the sunsets in fall are more beautiful. The air smells like memories and cinnamon and bonfires. The street lamps and falling leaves tuck you in every night, and sweatshirts and coffee cups greet you in morning.

There is an energy in fall that no other season has. While nature is slowing down and going to sleep, we seem to be more focused, productive and on the go. We run through leaves that make a crunching noise that brings you back to when you were 8 (or in my case 25) and you jumped in huge piles. You would lay in the leaves and watch the clouds and laugh with your friends about all your crazy plans.

Fall is full of picture days, Halloween parties, cider, hay rides, hugs, old friends, traditions, browns, red, oranges , yellows, football, lazy Sundays, leaf piles, scarecrows.  and backpacks and school books, and old books with leather bindings whose words will change your life. The smell of life not being all that complicated.

Fall reminds me that i love simple things. That Sunday afternoons watching football and reading a really great book are all i need to be happy.  That eating my mom's soup is exactly what i need on a cold day. Going to my grandma's to rake her lawn almost always means good food and conversation to follow, and a hug that's probably the best hug i've had in awhile. That rosey cheeks and red wine are reasons to smile....and people always come back home, and somehow the world just makes sense again.

Welcome, old friend, let's sit and enjoy each other's company for awhile, and remember all the reasons that life is beautiful and full of possibility.

the sum of all my parts....

sometimes the sum of my parts is not exactly what i think it should be.
like i've done the wrong math.
like sometimes, my flaws are greater than or equal to my strengths.

when really, my faults are absolute zero when compared with everyone else.
Because really, insecurity and inperfection are our common denominator.

Sometimes i feel less than, though i know i'm always equal to.

But love makes me greater than all the negatives.
and no matter how you look at it:

you+me=us
us=we
we=love

and, love, is simply always the answer. Doesn't matter how you got there, as long it's your final answer.

straight up, wait up, hold up, mr. lover....

I love sundays. They are literally my favorite day of the week. I got to see so many of the people i love. It's like when they are gone for awhile and then they come back everything makes sense again.

and sunday family dinner. I love that Sunday family dinner has been a staple in my life.  It's like gettin back to my roots.

I come from a beautiful place of laughing too hard,  of smiling without needing a reasons, of sunday lunches and family dinner, of traditions, and red wine, of doing things that are not expected of you, of loving more than you thought was possible. of strong bonds that sometimes need a reminder of how special they are, of dolls and make believe, of colors and snowcones, of sunday morning church, and weekly bubble tea, of title town, and capitol city, of cozy house and old, but lovely apartments, of unconditional love, of mistakes and forgiveness, of leaf piles and snow piles, of  lakes and fresh cut grass, from iced tea and morning coffee, of best friends  and family. of messy loveliness.

I have a lot of awesome in my life.

Everything rides on faith now....

Alright, so long story short. I've had a really great couple of days despite being dirt poor and it being hotter than Haiti, here in sunny St. Paul. I've feel a new wave of inspiration and i feel like i'm really refreshed and ready to take on whatever life throws at me.

Until the end of the year my financial plan is/will be the following:

1. No more new clothes.
2. Only going out if it's a special occasion and/or something else is buying.
3. Pay off one credit card.( this might take longer than til the end of the year)

Ok, so it's only three steps, but i feel like they are doable.

In addition to this new financial plan. I will be looking more diligently for a new job. One with benefits, and regular hours. I'm actually totally ok with this job NOT being a teaching job. I'm just going to apply for whatever looks interesting/anything i could really do.

Going hard core on youth min. I'm writing a mission statement, planning more events, finding away to spend more time with the bible. Small group? we'll see. Yikes.

Totes working on a new drama team thing....it's amazing how i get myself into these things. I mean i'm not so gifted with the writing and/or the acting. All i know is we've had two meetings and my mind is being blown. I'm SO EXCITED for what's to come. 

Tomorrow, my roommate's sister is getting married. And by married i mean having a Muslim wedding. This is very exciting. I'm really pumped to be able to go. I've been really blessed by that whole family. I've sort of adopted them as my own family, and i think the feeling is mutual. I'm just really happy for her, and i love her as much as i would love my own older sister.

That's it for now...... man, my life is beautiful.

There's such a lot of world to see.....

Ok, so the other day i saw the cutest little moped, It was baby blue with cream trim,  and on top of the moped was a blue polka dotted helmet. I'm pretty sure that i need to own one of these. The only thing i can imagine being cuter would be a vintage Schwinn in the same colors with a basket and a bell.

Today, i went to a museum with the children. It was actually pretty cool and watching them go through it was probably the most fun. They all got so excited. I rarely need to be reminded to act like a kid, but i really do think that acting like a kid will keep everyone from going crazy. So, i've compiled a list of things i think everyone should do, i'm pretty sure it would make the world a better place.

1. Laugh.
2. jump in the leaves
3. cry.
4. hug the people you love.
5. hold hands.
6. have a buddy.
7. be honest.
8. twirl.
9. play games. board games.
10. be creative.
11. watch your favorite movie as many times as you want
12. drink milk
13. day dream. regular dream. night dream.
14. get back up when you fall.
15. get dirty.
16. sing loudly, even if you don't know the words.
17. Have Faith. lots of it.
18. swing.
19. Have a best friend you tell everything to.
20. SHARE.
21. help. whenever you can.
22. listen.
23. try new things.
24, say your prayers
25. forgive.

I wish i had a Popsicle right now. that would make my life even better.

Too many things I haven't done yet, too many sunsets i haven't seen...

whoa. I've been on a technology hiatus for the last 10 days, and to be honest, it hasn't been as hard as i expected it to be.

I will say one thing though, laptops are spendy and if they break, it's kind of a giant pain in the butt.

So what have been doing without my beloved lola (my laptop)....i actually have no idea. I feel like i haven't been doing anything, yet i feel like i've been kind of busy.

I've spent a lot of time lost in day dreams about random things like my wedding, what my future will be like, having a real job....and wondering when (and if) things will ever be less of a struggle.

I'm trying really hard to be thrifty, which is actually really hard for me. I don't have much disposable income, but i convince myself that it's not that big of a deal.

Hello, Nicole. it is a big deal, a VERY big deal. do not spend money you don't have.....whoops.  I'm trying to be a lot better about it, especially since i've had to get my car and computer fixed in the last 2 weeks. I'm officially not spending any money i do not have to, which will do a number on my social life (or in theory will kind of rl it, but let's face it, what social life)

Meanwhile, i've spent a lot of time outside which is good for my tan and mood. HEY vitamin d. spent lots a time in the fountains when it was terribly hot out. didn't get arrested. three cheers for not having a criminal record.


I'm also trying to get the ball rolling again on youth min stuff, but i feel very static. It's no ones fault but my own, but i feel kind of stuck.

Prayer walks are do not exist right, which should change, maybe starting tomorrow. i don't NEED to go with Melissa. i can go on my own. I'm really not a great prayer and it is something i do want to work on.

Does anyone else think that lube and condom commercials are among the most ridiculous things that are out there.....i mean, really? this is not me being a prude either because i'm in full support of all those things....they are just so.....stupid. Does that REALLY need air time? i think no....

Not going to see Adele. I'm actually more bummed than is necessary. i will just have to listen to adele radio on pandora until i literally cannot even stand to hear the beginning chords of songs.....

In addition to all the above jibberish, i have ants in my apartment, and i thought i might have pink eye. I'm very lucky to have a mom to call who knows about these things. There's something really great about being able to call your mom. I hope when i'm a mom, i'll be just as in the know, but a little less crazy.

my head is getting fuzzy. too much benadryl. life is happy. it's a sorta fairytale.

"therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me

and now a list of things i'm thankful for in no particular order....

1. sunshine
2. good friends who always make me laugh
3. hugs
4. cheesecake
5. swings
6. music
7. Little reminders of how much i'm loved.
8. have a regular coffee/tea place to go to
9. creating things from scratch.
10. making people smile.
11. memories
12. gentle breeze.
13. are and literature
14. having people in my life who know exactly what i mean even when i don't make sense
15. parents who call to just to say hi
16. flowers
17. grass to run around in.
18. Popsicles
19. Grace.
20. Clean sheet day.
21. twirling around in a skirt in my living room
22. laughing so hard my face hurts.
23. the feeling of warm sand
24. sand castles.
25. fluffy clouds
26.  smiles.
27. LOVE


my current feelings are best expressed with this photo.....