I was 8 the first time I had a "good enough." Thought. It came on the heels of my dad asking me what he thought about him having a girlfriend. He asked it so casually as we were walking and I was so young that the implications of this question were almost lost on me.
Why wasn't my mom enough for him? why wasn't I? What was missing that home couldn't give him.
And, if I had to pick a defining moment from my life, that would surely top the list. But the thought kind of crept in like rolling fog, or frost, or the way sunsets so quickly, yet slowly go from brilliant yellows and pinks to dark blues and greys.
And then it just stayed. It hung around like cobwebs or fruit flies. Not life threatening but present enough to be annoying.
and I carried it with me. It manifested of course in a lot of different ways. When I was young, it was rule-following, and good grades and being so nice. Desperate to be good enough for my parents, for my friends, for my teachers...desperate to find be good enough to make them stay, to make them love me.
As I got a little older, my desire to please my parents lessened as I became more aware of their brokenness individually and together. The more I felt pitted against them, the more I searched for acceptance in my peer group. When being the nice girl wasn't working, i let go of my filter and said anything and everything that came into my head.
I discovered I was funny, but I also discovered that I could be incredibly mean, and while in my gut i knew that wasn't who I was, it was working.
but it only worked for a while. I went to college and realized that I wasn't as worldly and i thought. I was pretty innocent. My chastity certainly wasn't a badge of honor. So college chip away at it. Kissing boys, going further than I wanted but not too for, drinking too much, pretending that none of this bothered me. I fought a battle in my head, I wasn't wildly fond of being hungover, fighting the pressure of being or doing what people wanted to expected of me.
The truth is while some of it was fun, some of it wasn't. Some of it made me feel less than when i was shooting for good enough.
I never felt good enough. I don't think I feel good enough now, to be honest.
Then i moved to the cities. I was searching so passionately for a place to belong, that i did whatever people asked of me. This season was a bit trickier. It's easy to know that kissing boys you don't know and drinking too much to fit in is not a great choice, but volunteering, serving, being kind to people has it's own weird unhealthy underbelly.
I didn't know that i was slowly killing myself. I was slowly turning into a shell of who i was. The best parts of my gone because I was so willing to do whatever people wanted so they wouldn't leave. So i would be good enough for them to stay...
and as you would expect from any story, things fall apart, the center cannot hold. You can juggle and say yes and do whatever until you cant. Something breaks.
And you find yourself on the kitchen floor begging for directions or a map or a way back to who you are, only to find that the truth is you're not good enough and you never were.
But because God is graceful, i don't have to be. I can simply be. If you can figure out who you are and what you're living for you don't have to keep reaching for "good enough"
I'll never be smart enough, love Jesus enough, be pretty enough, or skinny enough, by my standards or the world's for that matter, but I'm becoming more okay with that because I am loved. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, i am an image barer and is enough.
Jesus was good enough so because we weren't.
Nowadays i fall somewhere in the chill about life and freaked about my life. Every time someone else gets engaged has a baby, gets a boyfriend....has forward momentum, my good enough bullshit sneaks out.
Maybe I'll find a sweet boy to marry, Maybe i won't. But either way, my value is the same.
This story isn't sad. I was never assaulted, I have a good relationship with my parents, my parents are still married for better or worse, I am loved, i have a job and a life that is lovely, but it's not without it's hiccups.
The pursuit for good enough could have led me down a very differnt path, but it didn't and for that i'm thankful.
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