Baby go find what you're searching for....

Things that I miss:
 1. Creative Team.
 2. Weekly check in meetings
 3. Project meetings
 4. So much coffee shopping
 5. weekly prayer meetings
 6. When Rita would buy raspberries for me.
 7. Opening the building at 7 The way stepping stone smelled and felt when we woke it up on sundays.
 8. Literally weekly texts from brad that said "you're a good thing"
 9. community prayer
 10. scheduling people. and sending emails. I miss church homework.
 11. service projects.
 12. random outings.
 13. feeling part of a community that really loved me.
 14. Bread and chocolate
 15. ALL THE PIZZA LUCE.
 16. Rita.
 17. house sitting for rita.
 18. abby the dog.
 19. learning things from rita
 20. like fasting.
 21. all the time i spent with Sam and Julia. Aria, tea garden. Cafe Latte.
 22. always having people at my apartment.
 23. When people trusted me with big things like the offerings, and planning things, and leading things and like...their hearts.
24. planning worship set lists.
25. I miss when Brad would cry during prayer
26. I miss funny brad.
27. Gelato with Bard
28. Shish.
29. The way the kindalls call me Nickolai, and before that, Neko.

 I've been thinking about Sam and Julia a lot lately. I've just flashes of memories I haven't thought about it in so long. Like late nights at Nina's doing homework. Picking up Julia while she waiting for Brad, ordering pizza luce and watching trashy tv. Gilmore girls. Guitar Center dates with Sam where he would try to teach me guitar. House sitting #whenthepastorsaway.

 Then it obviously goes to late night texts about their mom, when i would get out of bed and drive to be with them so their dad could be with their mom. When Julia begged to say with me for a week while her dad was gone and her mom was home. Going to check on Sam. Having to tell them their mom left and wouldn't be around for their birthdays. Watching brad pray in front of everyone that one time it happened during check...and scooping Sam and Ju up and taking them with me because they shouldn't be alone. Their graduations, their grad party.

 Then wondering why after so much prayer and trench digging....it didn't work. Why she's in KY, our baby church and community is scattered and everything that we worked so hard for....didn't work. And maybe it's my heart reminding me how deeply i love them and i haven't checked in on them enough, and maybe they need it. So many things. And they come and go without any consideration for what i'm currently doing.

 What i'm finding though, is that these things are bittersweet, but mostly sweet. These are the things that i LOVED. I can remember exactly how it all felt when it was good. It was so good. so fun. so fulfilling. It lit me up, it pushed me out, and it made me happy. I'm not mourning it anymore, really. It's so much of who i am. And i loved it, and hated it. But i haven't spent time remembering it. The way if felt. The girl I was. The girl i'm working my way back to. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be paying attention to, but I am paying attention.