I thought if i could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing....

If you've known me of any period of time, you'll know that i'm a nervous creature.

I use humor and sass to divert you from the fact that i'm scared, sometimes i get lonely, and most of the time, i feel like I've failed someone or something.

Sometimes i want so badly to find normal, that i'll coast and grab hold of whatever is in front of me and hold on for dear life because transitions are harder lately.

I don't' really land on my feet, i trip and fall and tumble down 10 flights of stairs. The last time i transitions i had a broken heart, and spirit and a no job or car or plan.

This time,though very different, feels very similar because fear has a way a penetrating deep in your bones.  It's funny because i thought i would be different. People warned me and i saw it as a challenge, thinking that i could prove everyone wrong. Well, i didn't and now it feels a little bit sad.

But i need to find God in it. I need to see the good, the redemption and the blessings because they are many. I learned to love writing in a way that i hadn't ever before. I learned how to love people in a way i hadn't before. I learned what love looks like in a super pure form. I got to learn form people who are light years ahead of me. I got to laugh and love and cry with them.  In short, i got to be a part of something really, really special.

and that doesn't end just because one season of my life is ending. Door shutting for good so i can heal my little heart, and grow it bigger and stronger.

Tonight, though, i decided that i need to do things different. I need to keep my mouth shut.l I need to stop thinking that everyone is the worst. and i need to just hold on just a little bit longer. I need to open my eyes to whats around me. Who is around me  and what they need and what i can learn from them.

Sometimes, you get moments where you can see the ugly parts of yourself. The ones that you want to go away. You see it and immediately need to change, to apologize to make it right.

it's the kind of feeling that socks you right in the gut and knocks the wind out of you. It's the times where life shows you that this is not who you are. This is not how you're supposed to treat people.

it's the worst kind of reality check.

All i can say is that i will try to do better tomorrow. with new eyes.