is true love just once in a life time?

I'm changing. I can feel it. My heart is, too.

Jonah is wrecking me and i haven't quite found the words to express how, yet.

I know I'm running, but I'm not sure if it's away from something, or to something bigger.

It's probably a combination of both. I am itching to do something meaningful.  I have this passion in the pit of my stomach that i often mistake for anxiety. it's calling me to action but i'm not sure what kind.

and i want to be brave enough to answer the call.

I've been praying for someone or something to move me. To get under my skin enough for me to move. And i think Hosanna has been so powerful lately because

 "heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like you have loved me. break my heart for what breaks yours, everything i am for your kingdoms cause"

has never been more real to me. ever.

so...my heart is being broken, at the same time it's being healed.

and surrendering to that kind of heart breaking power is scary, and i have to light my house on fire and burn it to the ground and let Jesus rebuild it his way.

and that's real scary. But i think i'm ready.

i have nothing to lose and everything to gain. so game on. let's love like Jesus and let's see where it takes us.

Today as i lead community prayer, as i stood in front of the people who have loved me the last four years, as i tried to not completely come unglued, i felt the spirit move in a way i haven't in a long time.  but i'm not sure it had anything to do with the space, or people.

I'm giving my heart back. kind of. actually i don't even know what that means...but it makes sense in my head.

anyway with all this emotion swirling around, my head steps in and is like.....no. you gotta be smarter. you gotta protect your heart better. you can't go all in again, looks what it's done to you.

But all in is the only way i know how to do anything.

And I would argue, that "what its done" has made me a better person...maybe...the jury is still out on that, you'd have to ask my people, and i'm sure you'd get mixed review.

i'm probably working at a C+....i have a ways to go.

i am just convinced that life doesn't mean to break your heart....or maybe that's the point.