Avenue Q...is such a ridiculous musical...but for today, the lyrics fit.
If nostalgia was a drug, I'd totally OD on it. For real, i will remember even the crummiest life event with just all the rose color in the world. When late august comes and the sunsets look like fall and back to school is about the happen...oh man...i just straight up lose my shit. I know, it's weird, but i love school supplies and fall, and new notebooks and leaves and the smell of a new year...i just do.
I love school, always have for as long as I can remember. And getting ready to go to college. I can't even. The dorms stuff, the schedules...college life. I get giddy and stupid about it.
I was just looking through some old college photos.
Man, there are some rough ones. A lot of rough ones. I look at them, and then it makes so much sense why i never really dated anyone in college. Except for the one guy. i was not a hottie...even a little. I've been in my awkward since age....6? I feel like i'm kind of coming out the other side now. slowly but surely..
It's like i was totally unaware of myself, and my body. Clearly, didn't feel great in my skin.
I'm come to terms with my butt and my thighs. i mean, sort of. More so than i ever was. I wear clothes that fit me....and for the most part flatter the body that i do have.
and i drink less which is helpful.
so here are some that popped up...
and also....
and one more for good measure.....because...i like to be utterly embarrassed
I mean, i could probably drink you under that table, but I'm not sure if I'm so proud of that anymore. While i never made super bad choices while i was drinking (ie...random sex, tattoos, etc) i still didn't make great choices, and i now i feel kind of mixed about it the whole thing. it was fun, though, I'm not going to lie about that. Responsible? no. not even a little. College years are for sure some of my favorite years....and not because of the drinking....i loved my classes and i graduated with honors (magna cum laude, bitches) i met amazing people, and got to do tons of cool things, but they were also some of the hardest..."finding yourself" is kind of rough work when you try to do with other people....and it doesn't really work.
But looking back i just want to give my early 20-something self a hug because...oh...did i need it. I don't know when exactly i stopped giving an eff about impressing other people and being trendy and doing what "normal" people my age do, but it happened at some point. I'd be willing to bet it was when i started spending more time with Jesus and with people who kinda saw life through a similar lens.
And i should rephrase that....i still care, probably too much, about what other people think....but its the people in my life whom i respect a lot, and i think it's OK that i care about those people. I feel better in my skin...but i think there's always room for improvement.
And to be clear, i still enjoy drinking, and i love a rando white trashy holiday (for better or worse) but i don't feel like i need to drink to do be more fun or crazier or whatever....i donno...to prove something. or escape something....all the reasons you drink in college...because i let freedom go to my head...whatever...i don't do that anymore.
although, you tell me i can't do something and i'll probably tell you it's a free country and flip some tables, because...you know...i've matured a lot.
I mean it all comes with age, and i still have some work to do. Today, i feel kind of bad for college me....and wonder if I even had a mirror?
Thank goodness for people who love me no matter what. ha.
Give it 5 years and i'll probably be looking at photos of me now wondering all the same things.
que sera, sera.
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