I can't see what's next and i got nothin' up my sleeve....

I go through phases with pretty much everything. Some are long, some are 3 days, but I get really into things and learn everything I can about it, totally OD on it, then move on to the next thing.

Some call it ADD, I call it being well rounded.

Patato. Pa-tah-to


Well, one of the phases I'm not so proud of lately, is this mopey anti-social phase. It's happening for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm broke. 2. my friends my own age are either married with kids or are not my biggest fans. 3. i kind of just want to always hang out with the A-team. They're  more fun than most things. There are no expectations other than just existing. 4. I feel like i just totally lack purpose.

It's unattractive. at best. The silver lining in this phrase (for the record, I still am real optimistic) is two fold.

1. I've been reading a lot, which does wonders for me. The introverted line i walk is completely content reading for hours and not talking to anyone. I've gotten really into Shauna Neiquist after i read Bread and Wine, and I'm convinced that she's my people. She writes about community and eating together and celebrating life together but also being there when shit gets real.

because man, shit gets really real sometimes.

And to be clear, i love community and spending time together. It's my love language for sure (since coffee isn't really and option). i think that's when God shows up the most. We understand love when people get us and love us well. I think we spend a lot of time trying to force people into community and we do weird things to each other that make it appear that we love each other well, when really it's kind of surface level, and not really authentic at all.

Which leads me to my number two...well, maybe 1.5...because it's all related. and i just like listing things...

1.5. It's impossible for me to look at my surrounding right now: Where am I , who I'm with, the future that's before me...and not agree that this is exactly what God intended. Because we could not have orchestrated this.

We're just not that smart. We're pretty good, but not that good. And you cant force falling in love with people. Either you click and it makes sense or it doesn't. You can be with people and like them just fine and see them and chat and grab coffee...but the real...unpolished...dirty clothes...unshowered... unmasked...good days and bad days...tears, fears and headbutting....that....you have really love each other to make work.

and its in those moments when you're frustrated and your hearts just on the table open, and vulnerable, when you just want to shut down, stop talking, and runaway, that you choose to stay, and talk and listen...because you know that you're not supposed to any of this life crap alone.

it's super hard, and sometimes you probably want to jump ship. but totally worth it.

2. So i think it's time to put mopey on the shelf.  And celebrate what is happening right now. This is a season. It's hard one but it's also a beautiful one. Lots of new things blooming. And in this space that i've found myself in, I know that I'm supposed to live radically.

But what  the h doest that mean exactly?

I want to love people well. I wan to serve our God by serving others. I want to live sacrificially, I want to give when it's hard to, and choose to love and forgive when it's easier to judge.

I want to help. (in a way that's healthy. Yeah, boundaries are a good thing) and i want to live out the gospel, with out having to use words, what i mean by that is i want my actions to speak louder than my words. I want to my life to mirror what I believe. I want to get out the way and let God do what he's gonna do through me. That's an incredibly high calling. God wants to use me for something...and it's something beautiful.

How can you NOT get excited about that?

I want to work with kids and i want them to understand how significant they are to this life.  I want sit shot-gun as they navigate these years and survive them, and become who they will be.

I want to tell them about Jesus how much more you can accomplish when you do the right thing, when you speak love and kindness and when you pitch in and help....instead of feeling like the world owes you something.

so...what kind of job is that? I dont' know. A non-profit? a Church? a school? I don't know, but i do know that i need to do something....someone told me that the other day and I can't get it out of my head.....that happens a lot when she talks...and i love it. and hate it. you know?

I've had the opportunity to be around when shit gets real for people. I've gotten to see what great love also comes with  sadness and tragedy, and it's broken my heart in a way that makes me understand the our God loves us so much that he gave us people.

and we are called to leave this world better and with more than than we found it.

so... let's bare some fruit. let's make a change  and jump in heart first and know that the plans that are about to unfold are better than we could ever imagine.

right?