I sometimes live in a my own head...quiet a bit, actually. I tend to have pretty rose colored lenses and nostalgia comes to visit me a lot and all my memories are sepia toned with love. Forgetting the heartbreak, and the crazy and the hard stuff.
I've always had a best friend. My high school/middle school best friend's name is Laura and she is still very much a huge part of my life though we tend to drop in and out the way that you'd expect for people who live in different states and have totally different lives. It's not the same, however, has having a best friend in the same city whom you see often. I've always just assumed my life would look similar to Friends or Sex and the City or even the Gilmore Girls.
Well, it doesn't look anything remotely close to that. And i find myself not having a best friend nor being anyone's best friend. I mean, at least not anyone who is in the same life stage or similar circumstances. There are people in my life who i love like family and who know me in really personally ways who are amazing, and I'm beyond thankful for them...so...it's not that I'm lacking community or love in anyway...in fact I'm probably overflowing with both of those things....
And, I'm probably too old to care about "best friends" but sometimes I miss Melissa a lot.
I miss not having to do a lot of explaining, someone who is the knower of the back story, and can see through whatever bullshit story I'm telling so i don't have to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. Who was always game for random adventures, and never having a plan (though that part made me crazy, i'd like at least an outline of a plan) She pushed me out of my comfort zone and into my faith. She introduced me to all the people who grabbed my heart. We shared closets, and computers and cars....and....well....everything.
she was the sister I never had, and for the only child who just wanted to know what it was like to have siblings....that's a big deal.
We had big plans for the future. I couldn't imagine anyone else holding my flowers on my wedding day or being my kids god mother. have our husbands also be best friends. and we'd raise our kids together and they'd say things like "our moms have been friends forever and I've know you since before i was born."
and now, it's like i don't even remember what life was like when we were the inseparable best friends.
Of course I remember all the good, but there was plenty of disfunction that made everyone crazy, which we both contributed to. But, it wasn't all terrible. and she's actually a great human with an amazing heart...she's just been hurt and is learning how to be who she's becoming, and so am I.
I guess, we couldn't become who we are right now, together. We had to take these paths alone. I'm sure to learn how stand on our own...co-dependent no more, for real, and to really figure out what we believed about God and people and family and life.
In case you're wondering, I've learned a lot. If you ever want to know those specifics, i'll be happy to fill you in.
Along with missing this person who was a huge part of my every day life for 7 years and i feel a lot of guilt for throwing her to the wolves...because I was hurt, and confused and talking too much, and never to the right people. Looking back, I feel like I would have gone about things differently but i feel like my gut was right and my cause for concern was vaild.
So...long story...long? I ended up breaking both our hearts, and she walked away from a community who didn't love her well...and i thought i'd won the jackpot because they did love me well.
Well, it turns out that is not entirely true either. My heart hurts for a lot of different reason but the bottom line is that the people who i thought loved me well, never protected me or my heart the way they should have.
and i don't know what to do with that, which is another processesing session in itself.
Tonight, though, I know that my old roommate/best friend/soul sister is celebrating a one year anniversary with her boyfriend, who is totally great and who loves her well. And i'm watching it all happen from a semi-stalker-ish perspective....and i'm so happy for her but also really sad that i'm completly on the side lines. He'll never call me to ask what kind of ring to get her, or what her favorite whatever is....or to help plan a surprise date....and as selfish as it is...i think that sucks.
And i think if i had the option i would rather be her first phone call when something big happens, i'd like to spend sunday mornings talking about how much fun we had the night before. I want to know what its' really like to live with a boy.
or maybe i dont because maybe that would mean i wouldn't have what i have now.
I dont' even know what I'm saything any more except that I miss her. I feel guilty because i didn't love her well, i didn't have her back and that doesn't look like Jesus.
so...that's that.
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