i will be still....

this song. Hillsong. I want to be like this...and i want to believe this is my core, but right now, i don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3wwWFsSlNQ

If I'm being honest, and I'm trying harder to be real honest, I don't know how to be still. i don't know how to listen to God. I thought i did, but i don't think I'm doing it right. I think I'm missing signs or closing doors but i don't feel strongly about anything one way or the other.

I'm confused and a little lost and my heart just hurts a lot. I feel like it shouldn't. that i shouldn't let stupid things make me feel bad. That i need to be an adult and suck it up.

but i feel like a lot is happening and i don't know what to do with it and i want to cry a lot. i don't like feeling like i could just burst at any moment.

Shauna Neiqust writes this awesome essay about "prayer and yoga" and how she only prays when she's desperate and when she's got no other ideas and she makes her own paths or plans gets a false sense of control. and then everything falls a part and she hits her knees.

this is my life exactly.

I find myself hitting my knees a lot, but i dont' know if i'm praying for the right things or if i'm hearing....anything. and i'm pretty sure i need to reteach myself how to listen, how to be still, and to pray "thy will be done" and mean it.