If this year has been about anything, it's been about becoming, and resilience.
There have been some rough roads for sure, but for the most part, we're overcoming, like a freakin' boss.
When 2013 started, I was, literally, locked out of all the places I could live. Literally my keys for my real apartment were locked into the place I was house sitting. I had the clothes I was wearing and 50 bucks. Not my finest or most glamorous hour, for sure.
2013 was off to a rock star start, which should come as no surprise seeing as how my 2012 was a total train wreck. Which, i guess is good for me, sometimes. Struggle makes you appreciate all the times things are easy, and the people who limp alongside you when they're not.
I transitioned quickly from wearing the same clothes for 4 days and sleeping on a couch into getting unlocked and finding myself staring into the face of addiction and finally understanding how over my head i was with everything.
The things is, I like to help, but sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing, and sometimes the helping is more about me than it is about the other people. It's about wanting to be needed and loved and the problem solver. It's being someone's 3 am call because some how that determines my self worth. So sometimes, helping can end up hurting....everyone.
Somewhere in being over my head, and nervous and confused, my heart started to crack...and eventually through a series of events, it just kind of shattered.
The thing about pressure and weak things, is that eventually something has to give. At some point you cannot sustain. You stop juggling, or you drop your load, or you slip and fall.
and it all comes to a crashing halt. And that sucks for you, but the rest of the world? It just keeps right on going.
So you have to learn to catch you breathe, and clean up the pieces and keep going like everyone else.
and that's hard. In doing so, I learned a lot.
1. I can run when my tank is empty, but it will make me crazy, and moody and mean to all the wrong people.
2. when i dont' know what to do, i get impulsive and i just react, most of the time, thinking with my heart and not with my head.
3. i will do anything for the people i care about, but sometimes i care about people who just seem to suck the life out of me.
4. I needed better boundaries. I needed to take some breaks. I needed to have hard conversations. I needed to take care of myself better than i was. I needed to give my heart time to heal. I needed to stop being what i thought people needed and start being who i am.
So...yeah, there I was sad, and hurt and walking away from the people who i thought were my tribe of weirdos. My 3 am calls, my places of rest. What do you do when you realize, that those people aren't what you thought? What do you do when you struggle to find God in any of it?
Well, if you're me, first you cry. Then you listen to the bossy person standing in front of you, who you'll only later realize God put right in front of you to help your heart heal and to tell you the truth, even if you didn't want hear it. The catch was, though, that somehow these people were going to become a part of you and you'd have to be honest and real and uncensored with them and you'd have to learn from them and love them and that heart that was broken? You'd have the give them a piece of it, with the chance that it'll get broken again...and it will but for the right reasons.
And what do you do when you watch people you love a lot mess up a lot. What to you do when you see them hurt the other people you love a lot? How do you love them instead of being mad at them? How do you know when you offer your opinion instead of keeping our mouth shut. How do you extend grace when you don't want to. How you love people like Jesus does, when you feel like they don't deserve it? How do you stop your heart from being hardened by the fact people are broken and human and will do dumb shit that will cause a lot of heart ache. What do you even do with that?
I'm not a grudge holder, really, but i'm still learning how to let people off the hook for their brokenness. I'm trying to understand what unconditional love is, and whether or not i believe it's even possible. I'm still not sure what to do with people i love getting totally leveled by life and knowing there is nothing i can do to make it better. I'm still trying to pray "your will be done" and mean it ever single time. Because some journeys seems way too painful and beyond my understanding. I don't like not being in control.
So in the hard, where was God?
Like for real. Well, he is in second chances, and forgiveness and the grace that was extended to me for everything that i didn't do that i was supposed to, for the snarky, for the sass for the falling by the wayside that i let happen. He was in the learning and the growing and the pruning and that happened. He was in four people who were dumb enough to love me like their own. He was in the church that welcomed me with open arms. He was in the job that i loved and the co-wokers that make my heart smile. He was in every single kitchen table conversation, every car ride, every head butting that lead to better understanding.
He was in all of it, and he's here now, teaching me things about Him and people and myself that i would not know had I not accepted this path where i don't control anything.
And it kind of sucks. learning how to forgive and be humbled and to see yourself in your own brokenness...it's off putting, it's unattractive, but necessary.
It's been a hard year, there's been a lot of forgiving and rebuilding and becoming that's had to happen, but hearts are strong and they bounce back and the pieces find their way home, and eventually your heart beats get stronger and you feel like yourself again.
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