Thinkin' of all the paths i've veered from. All the rights instead of lefts i've takin and where it's brought me. All the yeses instead of nos. All the sacrafices. Wondering, hoping, holding my breath thinking about whether or not all the roads would lead here.
To this moment. it's nothing special, this moment, but all the choices have led me here.
I'm wondering if the hard, and the lonely and breakin' is all part of what's shaping me for something bigger? What if the something bigger, isnt' bigger? What if it's just being brave enough to do what is scary, or radical or unconventional.
See the things is, i was wired for something. but somewhere in the the process the wires got crossed and fried and i'm trying to figure out just how exactly to reconnect everything. I guess the beautiful thing is that sometimes i complete the circuit, and i light up and i do what i was made to do...but i have to find a way to keep the circuit together and i haven't found a way to do that yet.
Sometimes I wish I could take myself out of me and go into....you. Whoever "you" is. Someone who sees me not the way i see myself....or maybe like i see myself, i suppose it depends on the "you."
Would i look like i think i look, or would a different pair of eyes have more grace and see more beauty. Would i, as you, see all my real and perceived imperfections, or would you just see me? What do my spirit and my heart look like to my mom, my best friend, an acquaintance? Do i laugh too loudly, am i too proud, can you see that i'm trying to fake having it all figured out. Maybe if i knew i'm not fooling anyone it would be easier to accept that my life is not my own, and it's all part of a crazy plan that was created before the stars were hung in the sky.
What do my eyes tell you? Because as weird as it sounds, seeing me as you would probably help me see myself more clearly.
Still, seeing me is only a quick snap shot, a freeze frame of my life. Me now is not me in a year or even in 10 minutes, but still i think it would help us love each other more if we could see ourselves the way other people see us. for better or worse.
Most of the time i feel like i'm looking in a fun house mirror, imperfections accentuated, insecurities amplified, truths twisted so much that i barely recognize the person staring back at me.
How did i let myself believe that I'm not perfect the way i am? i have to have more friends, make more money, be more beautiful, be more successful, have more authority.
Especially when the truth is we were made to be more than a title on a door or the number on a pay check. When we let that define us, we let it confine us.
We need to break out, it's our time to shine.
The way we need to see ourselves is the way God sees us. Perfect, precious, and necessary.
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