I keep wishin my life away with these things i'll never say....

I feel like i should name my blog. Mostly because I'm about to use it as a...well...i don't know....i receptacle for all my thoughts.

Because the reality of my life is that i have a lot of thoughts on all the subjects. Most subjects i probably have no business having thoughts on.

I have to put them somewhere because I have to get them out. Right now, there are people who need me to be less of the high maintenance human I've been as of late, and need me to just love them.

So, my struggle always is knowing when to speak up and knowing when to shut up.

I'm a fairly good listener more of the time, however, usually it comes with also having to hear my opinions on whatever is it that is happening.

Right now, though, I'm going to just try to listen, and I'm just going to sit in this space for as long as i need to, because i don't know that my opinion matters at this point, or that it should. I will fight to bite my tongue, because believe that Jesus can restore what's broken, or at the very least i should honor the effort.

I feel like this has changed everything and I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to forgive what needs to forgiving. Does my forgiveness matter? probably not, but will it change things if i can't pull it together? yes. The thought of that is devastating.

I would also like to say just for the record, that i did NOT expect to this to hit me so hard  It kinda freaked me out a little.  I don't think I've ever hurt like this for someone or felt as protective/loyal. It's all just so weird. I'm sure everyone is gonna tell me that my boundaries suck and they'll have something to say. but i give no effs.

But I'm afraid once you're heart is involved...the lines are blurry and all the areas are grey. And hey...no one wrote on how to manual on how to love people well, so just shut up...or well, there are how to manuals on how to love people....but this...is different.

this is one storm, I'll run into willingly.

So blog, who's name will be....Lela because it means loyalty. You're gonna keep all my secrets so i don't end up saying something i shouldn't. .