i put my little black dress on....

i just want an anchor tattoo on my body.

I'm planning on doing it before thanksgiving.

who's gonna come?

painted my nails tonight. Feelin' like a kind of real person again. Need to clean my room and do my laundry.
Gotta go to a stupid meeting tomorrow morning. stupid. Actually have to do some real work tomorrow. which is fine, but i'd rather "office" from a coffee shop with a chai and some cute boy baristas and a window seat to beautiful st. paul.

i've cleared my schedule for the last two days because something more pressing came up and really there is no place i would have rather been. Well, circumstances are total shit. and i have all the feelings about it, but sometimes your people have to come first, you know? 

These moments where the bottom falls out, they're too familiar, and i feel like we are all too used to being stuck wait deep in the mess. Sometimes it gets hard to see where God is in these moments. It's impossible to understand why the most faithful and good people are dealt the crappiest hands in life. It's the  most unfair thing i've ever witnessed, and lately i've seen too many families and lives ripped apart by lies, and fear, and addictions.  I think after this latest bottom drop, i'll be good for awhile.

i guess i'll never understand why we are all so afraid to be honest. Why none of us love ourselves enough to speak up and change the path if need be. Why do we let our hearts go unheard. Why are we so afarid and how do we change it.

and how in the world to we create spaces where we can be honest and it be ok, and how do you give grace when you feel the exact opposite of graceful. We talk about creating community, tribes, 3 am phone call people...best friends, spouses...family....who earn the right to speak into....life...and yet we're kind of full of shit about it.  We all are.

until the bottom drops out and somehow we are forced to let people in.

you know what weird, though? How much your heart breaks for other people.  or, maybe it's just me. maybe it's because i'm a crisis friend. I never thought i'd feel such real heart ache about things that don't directly affect me, yet somehow it's all familiar and a reminder off all the things in my own life I've pushed to the back of the filing cabinet.

and it's weird what you're willing to do for other people to avenge them or take away their pain. i mean, i guess that's what love is all about, maybe.

this could not be more vague, but once upon a time a friend told me she saw an image of me with a large garbage back on my back.

I'm a burden bearer as much as i can be. I'll bear your burden with you and i'll leave it at the foot of the cross with you. Wanting to believe with my whole heart that Jesus knows whats up....but being very human and scared and sad....most of the time i'm about 80 percent sure it's true.

Yesterday  i added a backpack....which is funny....because i've taken a lot of them off as of late....and this is so not my language...but it fits here....and this is one of two backpacks i'll willingly slip on...because these people....they're absolutely worth it....and no one should feel alone.

and just a side note. I do not love my family as well as i should. I feel horribly guilty about it.

I have a lot of guilt. I'm not even jewish or catholic. i don't know where it comes from. There are days though, when i just want to call my mom and cry and then just move on. I really miss having the "weepy phone call friend"

funny...this blog started with anchor tattoos and nail polish....and it ends in word vomit. I have to put it somewhere....

in other news...obsessed with Sara Bareilles' "blessed unrest" so, so  good. I can't even.
also: parenthood.....these things keep me sane.

Also...i got this coconut deep conditioner. My hair smells like the island. i love it.

Perhaps i'll specifically word vomit....but i'll lock those...because no one cares and not everyone wants there business plastered on an insignificant blog.