There are words spinning in my head. Literally spinning. I'm a pretty visual person, i tend to see in pictures....and right now there are words swirling like leaves in one of those tiny little tornado type things in and alley in the middle of october.
They are spinning so fast, i can't formulate a well reasoned thought, i hate that. For my small group, we are supposed to meditate this week.
Not gonna happen. nope. I wonder if this is what mania feels like. I've always wondered.
Today, though, i spend the whole day with one of my favorite people. He just happens to be 8. I'm not sure if it's weird that I'd rather hang out with him than people my own age, but it's just the truth.
There was bowling, pizza, board games, and a movie. and it was beautiful and he makes me weepy because his heart is so pure and good and exactly Jesus and i wanted to protect his heart so much, but i know there will be a time...when he understands how jacked up the world is, and his little heart will be a jaded.
Because that's what happens when you grow up, but maybe it wont because he loves Jesus in a way i didn't when i was his age.
ok...you know...how i told you i was feeling manic....well...sometimes...really intense memories hit me....and one just did.
About two years ago, my old roommate, ex-best friend....and i were in different locations. I was babysitting as per usual, and she was at an all day volleyball tournament....which was really an all day drinking tournament....no judgement..been there...done that...but...let's just call a spade a spade.
anyway about 8:30 some people brought her to her sister's house to sleep it all off...and then they left her...after i was relieved of my babysitting duties, i had planned on meeting the rest of the crew at the tournament but for some reason i just felt like i should go check on my roommate.
it's a good thing i did. she was in rough shape. We went to college together...so we've all seen each other...in our finest moments. but i remember the look on her face this night was nothing I'd ever seen before, and it totally wigged me out. I literally can't even explain it other than...it didn't even look like her...an then she ran out side and passed out in the grass and as i was trying to get her to come in....by basically picking her ass up...she was losing her shit on me...swearing like a legit sailor...and i'm all "you're gonna make the neighbors mad and you're not really wearing clothes"
it was tweele dee/tweedle dumb moment for sure..and so so typically us.
Well, we got her all cleaned up, the house clean up, and slightly hydrated, and in bed, and then i left to just go back home....something about cleaning up after a drunk person that makes drinking not at the top of your to do list.
anyway, i don't want to make myself sound like i'm an awesome roommate or friend because believe me, i'm not. Ask my friends. they'll tell you. This whole scenario was all too familiar, and i was real annoyed but I'm writing about it simply because i heard the song today that i will explain later..and it immediately makes me think of her...and this situation...for whatever reason...
anyway...in the morning, early in the morning, as is so typical after a night a drinking and then consequently puking, she called me to come get her and help her clean up a little better than i did last night.
and i did. because no matter how mad i get, i always say yes...you can have all the opinions on that you want. i give none effs. co-dependent no more.....or at least i am now...kinda...not at all. whatever.
on the way home...we were listening to my new Francesca Battistelli cd...(again, whatever sometimes i like mainstream stupid Jesus music. judge on judger) and "Angle by your side" came on.
And we both sat in complete silence but those three minutes said so much more than words ever could...and we both felt it and knew...and it was this strange affirming that we both kind of needed...the whole...you saw me at my worst and i wasn't wearing clothes, sorry about that, i feel bad about it...and at the same time i was...who gives an eff. i love you....we have friends for moments like this. and we were both genuinely thankful for each other in that moment. It was a "thanks, God, for giving me a best friend" type thing. i literally even remember the smell in her car was a mix of leather and her pink lemonade air freshener. (side note: i remember smells of things, places and people...bascially nouns...i remember the smells of all nouns)
I've been thinking about her a lot lately because i just ran into her...and it's weird to have so much history with someone...and yet have nothing to say to them....And it's weird, how God brings people in and our of your life, right? Like we couldn't try to this on our own....and for as much as we don't talk and everything is still so weird and loose endy....she is a HUGE part me and my story and i'm so incredibly thankful for her, and i'm sure i never told her that enough....at least not without being a b about it.
And maybe somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain...i miss her
Anyway, i don't know that i have a point, but i think that the moments where the silence says more than words do are beautiful, and i think those moments Jesus is just super present. I don't have a lot of "words don't matter" moments, so maybe that's why this memory is so vivid.
Well...whatever...that's my head today. i said a lot...but didn't really say much. I'm wordy.
I still want a tattoo.
I miss my parents.
My life keeps gettin weirder.
but im so thankful for all of it. and that i can knit my story together from vivid memories, and lessons learned and hard battles fought and word vomit and kitchen floor resets, and angel by your side moments.
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