Sometimes incredibly emotional moments happen, and sometimes i let people experience them with me, which is actually pretty rare. I cry a lot, but when it's about real stuff-the stuff that scares me, or tugs at my heart- that stuff? i cry about when no one's around. it's just easier that way.
but sometimes, I let myself be sad, i kind of drop the stuff I've been carrying- which...as i think about Katie's "prophetic side note" of two years ago....i think it interpreted it all wrong...and now...well...the garbage bag on my back...holds new meaning. I don't even know. It probably wasn't even real, actually, so I'm forcing meaning into things that have none.
anyway...there I sat, on Sunday night in the car after an incredibly emotional (in a good way) weekend, lots of tears, and words and thoughts that didn't really make much sense. I said out loud what i often wonder in my head. Things I hadn't wonder about with anyone... I sat in my own confusion and for once didn't really try to make sense of it. It just was.
In the midst of that, I saw on the tiniest, babiest level, what it was like for her to live that reality 7 years ago. When you get a glimpse into other people's worlds, you just understand better...you'll never really get it, but you get....closer....it seems more real....the struggle is almost tangible.
In that moment my heart broke for her. Knowing that was reality all the time and that there was a new baby and she was alone, basically. My heart broke not in a way that was like "oh i feel so bad", but More of....holy shit...she's incredible to have come through that. And the restoration that has happened since then, that doesn't happen with out Jesus. God is crazy and he really does use the most broken parts of life to preach, to connect us, to teach us.
For whatever reason, Sunday night in the driveway, i saw a different part of Lisa. I saw her my age being scared and confused and angry about having to be in the trenches of hell, and watching someone she loved in the midst of addiction and I don't think that's insignificant.
i dont' even know how to end this...i have nothing wise to say, or thought to leave you with...so I'm not even going to try. I've just been thinking about that moment a lot today and I don't want to forget it any time soon.
In my important relationships, there are just moments that are super memorable, and this was one them. I don't know that's she'll ever remember the night we sat in her car and i lost my shit and she told me a little bit of what it was like for her...but i will, and I'll remember it being a moment that I understood her a little bit better...and loved her more because of it.
God's funny. and i am thankful.
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