The number one reason I love this little old blog is because i feel like it holds all my secrets. While the whole world can see if they wanted to....they don't want to. so...i can just spill my guts and it's fine and i can get to business as usual.
and turn on my charm for the rest of the world.
I'm newly 29 but somehow i'm forever 17.
Fall is just my most favorite thing, but i often forget that with the amazing burst of color also means the slowing down and death of the past seasons, and soon it gets cold and i get pissed because i don't get enough vitamin d.
And really, i breathe way too much metaphor into all of it.
I'm just a struggler this season. Things are way harder than i expected them to be and as per usual, my expectations for things and people are just too high.
There are so many cool new things that seem to be in the works, but my heart is guarded, my steps into these things are small and slow going....because right now i don't believe that these things wont level me....again...and I'm not about that life, well, i don't want to be.
Selfishly, i just want things to be easier. I want things to move faster, i want something super great and exciting to happen with not stings attached and no rugs pulled out. There is something beautifully poetic about the unknown and things being unwritten and going with the flow....but that kind of optimism is kind of exhausting.
and I've really been sucking at it.
In case you're wondering, Diamond has arrived, and she is sweet and thankful and so nice and I'm a horrible person and i am jealous and insecure and dumb.
and I'm nervous about all of it, and what might come of it an and MORE transition. The one sacred thing i felt like i had. That was mine. That was my safe space...isn't. Mostly i don't like sharin my people. BECAUSE IM HORRIBLE. UGH. There is nothing more unattractive than what's currently going on in my head.
yesterday i took a stupid picture of myself with "imperfect" and "enough" on my hand....i wasn't wearing any make up and i was having a "i dont feel great in my skin" day. nothing fit right. Hating how i look....enter the more horrible self image day ever.
and i hated every second of it. I feel imperfect but not quite enough...for anyone or any things.
Youth group is pretty great. My small girls are so beautifully 17 and i hope they hold on to that as long as they can. They make my life sparkle. Small group is interesting. New job is cool but i feel a lot of pressure. I've never done anything like this before, but i know the bar is high....slash...all the controversy over how i behave in a work place....i just feel like I'm not going to live up to whatever anyone wants me to be/do. I do really work with some of my absolute favorite people ever, so that makes things less scary.
Slash...What do you do when one of the people you love most in the whole world IS YOUR BOSS? the expectations are different and the steaks are somehow much higher....
and it could all explode and ruin everything...and i'm not sure why i continue to play roulette with my heart....but i feel like....it'll be good. but there still a possibility that at some point i'll be back to square one.
I'm just staring at a blank canvass....stories yet to be written and somehow developing new characters and story lines...because some how everything has changed....and sometimes i feel like writing alone.
My heart's trying to walk through it, but...sometimes i just need someone to climb into bed with me and watch a movie.
unrelated....totally obsessed with the new Katy Perry album. Roar will be my anthem.
I will pull it together especially since i've now told you all my secrets.
No comments:
Post a Comment