Stug lyfe

Here's the biggest thing I've been struggling with lately, i mean besides hating the way that i look.

I don't know how to not be angry. Anger is a secondary emotion....anger is fueled by hurt, and i don't know to not feel hurt, either.

It's a cycle, really. I find myself licking wounds that are never allowed to fully heal. Wounds that were not CAUSED by the last year and a half of my life but made infinitely deeper.

Which make the healing process harder.

I mean the truth is, I'm insecure. a lot. So i do things to make sure people like me. To make sure that people need me....because i'm afraid of being left out, being left alone, not being a cool kid, which has absolutely caused me to find friends who are train wrecks, who actually make me feel worse about myself.

i also do this weird thing where i try to be the friend I've always wanted. To be the best friend that i never had...which ends up being more self serving than anything....although, i like to feel that I've grown out of that....

Anyway....so, i've discovered i have some deep wounds. I'm sure a therapist would have a field day with me, whatever. It's fine.

So, the tension that i live in is feeling like a reject while at the same time feeling like i have really mature, solid, deepy rooted relationships.

Which i know is annoying being like "i have no friends" to the friends that i actually do have. bitch move, i know.

i know that i have to move past this stage. I do. i know that. But HOW? slash....it feels good sometimes, to be mad and justified in it.  but it doesn't look like Jesus.

Well, it's lent...tomorrow? so i've been thinking about what i'm going to "give up" and normally, it's chocolate or wine or diet coke....but this year....i think it should be legit, more serious....

So, I'm giving up my anger and my hurt, my insecurities, and self-doubt and i'm leaving it at the cross in exchange for more jesus, more truth, more.....life...or at least....a happier one.

I'm am a happy person except when i feel completely leveled.

I want to radiate grace and goodness. and as a good friend of my says "it costs you nothing to be nice"

i'm not even going to kill anyone with kindness because i feel like even that is oddly rooted in revenge.

I have lots and lots of work to do...but...i'm gonna try.