I like people who are big dreamers, but i'm attracted to people who are doers.
I'm horribly guilty of wanting everyone to follow their dreams, and maybe part of it is because I don't know what my big dreams are anymore, so it's easy for me to hop on other peoples dream bandwagon.
Also, i'm a natural encourager, and i'm 100% sincere about it.
I wish my job could be celebrating people. Today was another birthday for a friend. Celebrating another year well lived and a the start of uncharted territory. It's so beautiful.
People are beautiful. For better or worse. Flaws and all, everyone's story is important, however annoying i find some of them. Each person has a team of people rooting for them. Cheering them on from the sidelines. Everyone wants to do something important and leave a mark and it's not up to me to deem it worthy. i should just be supportive.
Sometimes i forget that. Sometimes i get so engulfed with how i want to live my life, i lose sight of how other people are living.
I roll my eyes at people "living their truth" when really, i should be high fiving them....Get it. Experience love. laugh. cry. leave this place a little better and more beautiful.
Sometimes i'm a total asshole. like for real, i'm terrible, but that's the part of me that wants people to believe that i'm horribly honest, and that i just tell it like it is. I believe in honesty, but the kind of honesty that born out of love. So many times my honesty is born out of fear, frustration or confusion and i just want people feel as much as i do...about everything. isn't that terrible? And i feel bad for the ways my words and indifference and how shit has knicked, scratched, and left marks on people who only want to feel loved.
And it's just not who i am at my core. it's just not, somehow, though, between then and now, this other ugly thing has become a part of me, and i don't know how i let it happen.
My insides are mush. My heart is fragile. I fight a war against my head and my heart on the daily and i just really, really want people to love me. I want to earn my keep and try hard and i don't want to mess up. My little heart is beating on my sleeve for the whole world to see. I'm emotional, i cry about everything, i'm as confused about life as everyone else.
i just fake it better than some people.
It's in those moments when i wonder if i'll ever feel like a grown up. If i'll ever feel like someone isn't taking care of me.
I just want the people i love to be proud of me. So, i guess, i want to live a life and chase dreams worthy of that pride, so i'm still working on them to make sure they're as close to perfect as humanly possible.
It's kind of rough discovering parts of you you're not fond of, that need changing, but really great, too because now i can do better.
maybe.
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