Everything I've done heaven's seen and God keeps on forgiving me.

I wonder things a lot.

I wonder what my life will be like a couple of years. I wonder if I'll even stop not knowing what i'm going to do, who i'm becoming, and what's to come, and if i'll ever stop learning lessons the hard way. i wonder what about me makes me invisible to some people when everything about my personality screams *look at me*

I also wonder what it's like to be on the receiving end of me, when my heart is pure and big, when i'm snarky and full of *piss and vinegar* (lisa term) and when i'm a steady constant who you almost forget is there because it's just so normal.

And i wonder what is feels like to hear me tell you "no" after i've always said yes, and I'm no longer a steady or constant.

i wonder what it's like to feel my absence or my presence. I wonder what it's like not watch me struggle. To get my heart broken and be the cause or know its' happening and do nothing about it. I wonder what its like to miss me, if anyone does.

And i wonder a lot what would happen if we were all just honest. If we said how we really were, if we didn't just pretend everything was fine. If we said what we needed, even if it's small or seems ridiculous, or impossible.

I don't love being disappointed. I like it less than i like being mad. Because being let down, and feeling like you don't quite matter enough....well, that's a different kind of hurt. It's a deeper hurt than anything you could ever be angry about it. And people? Well, they've been pretty disappointing lately.