One of my favorite things about summer is driving.
Windows down, music up, driving into the sunset, the smell of summer in the air, sun-kissed skin and the day in your rear view mirror. It turns any bad day, into a better one, and great days even more beautiful.
I was crabby all day. I have no idea why. nothing in particular set me off. I just work up disgruntled. I hate that.
It seems to me, that i am the worst version of myself lately. You can ask the people that are close to me, i'm sure they'll agree. it's unpleasant for everyone. it's like my heart is screaming for the people in my life to tell me how much they love me and they just wont. I know that my people love me, but i've been asking them to prove it, and it's just been terrible. I don't know how i can be more needy now that my life is kind of in order, when last summer i was more mellow and the road was way more bumpy.
I was reading old blogs from last year and last year we were all gearing up for Lisa to go to Uganda. I was weepy about the whole thing. My heart was bursting, and so thankful to see such a tangible example of both God's provision and God's power. The whole thing gives me goosebumps and who Lisa is as a person still makes me weep because she's the real deal and she's just such a special little gem to me. Literally thinking about it now, my dumb eyes are welling. i can't help me, i have a soft dramatic heart.
Everything about last summer, though it was full of hard, hard stuff, is etched beautifully in my mind. Blue skies and thankful hearts. We all loved each other super hard and i felt like a belonged somewhere special. Like our hearts had known each other forever. Kindred. Something that worked because Jesus was all over it.
I still believe that's true, but I am struggling to see it and maybe it's because i'm further from God than i have been in awhile. I desperately want to feel the way i did not even a few months ago. I want to stop hurting the people who done nothing but love me. I want to believe that they think i'm amazing.
Somehow i got caught on up labels and what it means to be family and what having a best friend look like and all of a sudden i lost my damn mind. All of a sudden i second guessed everything and need affirmation from people who's love i never questioned before i tripped.
I want to laugh and talk and create a beautiful memories like we always have. I want to drive into the sunset and dream wild dreams like we always have. The cool thing about Jesus is that even when you're like " nah, i'm good, i don't need you right now" he never leaves.
Well, I need him. i need to feel like i'm an important part of something beautiful, again.
So pray for me, k? That would be rad.
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