Once upon a time. I was real sparkly. Lots of people "loved" me. I did a lot of stuff. I got the chance to run with a lot of things. I got to be on inside of all lot of things.
It built me up.
and then it shattered me.
The rise an fall of the Roman Empire as it were. Murphy's law, etc. i fall hard.
When your hands, and knees and heart are scraped, you don't want to move....because it's hurts, right? Like we're so afraid of bumping a scrape or falling again that we get paralyzed.
Some how the God that was so mighty, and so awesome is somehow smaller because all you gave your heart to, didn't love you back.
and then you're....ahem I....just got stuck. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to shut down. It's easy to push everyone away....and then be angry when no one chases you. While you sit there as your heart screams for someone to notice you.
it's easy. until it makes you cry a lot. It's easy until it's not.
I'm completely in a season of becoming. It sucks. It sucks even more when you keep God at arms length because you feel like he let you down. I've been walking around in a cloud of anger for a quick minute now.
And it finally go to be too hard. too toxic. Too exhausting. so....my wall kind of fell, and on the other side was the truth of having an incredibly wounded heart, and the truth that i needed to forgive and apologize. Each in their own time.
Both things are super hard and there is no magic formula on how to do any of it, and no one is gonna do it for you.
So, i'm doing a bunch of apologizing and letting people off the hook because they are human and hurting and on a journey as much as i am and we just don't know how to do the life thing right. In apology my heart gets less cold. I remember how much good accompanied the heart break. There was so much laughter. There were incredible moments of Jesus, there was sweetness in the sour. and i remember and i am thankful.
but we are trying.and i can't get mad about that. My heart is strong and it will find it's missing pieces.
i'm also learning that i can't just go back to doing what i did. I'm different now, my needs and passions have changed a little bit. I've learned and grown and pruned and refined.
So what do i do with that. Well, I understand that my place is simply returning to where i began, but rather embracing the experience, and counting it important.
My heart is ready for more. Tonight I went back to Nea Mitera and while it's crystal clear that i don't belong there, it's also clear that i need to do something and maybe I need to build it, but i need to plunge my hands in the dirt again. up to my elbow and let God lead me.
I love the urban setting. I understand better than ever before what i believe about being missional and what good, and healthy and effective missions look like.
I know I am called to love and do and my servant's heart is crying out for a space to get started. I just dont know where.
I've been wandering the desert because i've been to afraid to trust God with my heart again. Too afraid that my bottom with drop out. So filled with doubt.
i prayed out loud for the first time in forever, and i didn't know what to say and somehow the words came and i remembered what its like to trust God. What its like when he's at the center of relationships and when we actually hang out and i let him be apart of my plan.
So i fell off track a little but i believe i can get back on and be better than i was before.
I love my people, even the ones that i was angry at, Kindred spirits don't come along too often and you should do what you can to hold on to them.
Even if it means being humbled and brought to your knees not having words.
i literally feel like a weight has been lifted. That I understand now, what love really, really looks like and that i don't have to guess about it, or doubt it or worry about it.
And as much as it is very Wizard of Oz "you've had the power all a long" I expect everyone else to get me back to who i am. I expect the truth to come in like a wrecking ball form someone else.
But it had to come from me. And i understand that people wont chase me. People aren't going to necessary love me the way i want them to, but they'll love with with all they have.
This is a journey of understanding "enough" and now's a good as time as any to take off running.
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