Humble, organic, beginnings. The ones that sneak up on you, and grab your heart without even realizing it.
and you think "when i met you, i had no idea how important you'd be"
And you think how it began with slow, somewhat random steps, and before you know it, you're waist deep in a history
Today, begins the first day of summer, which I spent with a pint sized mister who is now a regular in my cast of important people and a girl who had me at "i have no idea what's going on," who is more of a guest star, popping up here and there but she's sweet. She's one of my small girl, who is nervous all the time and i'm pretty sure it's just because no one ever took the time it just hear her.
And now, i'm sitting in my bed, sleepy form sun and life and so overwhelmed with love that i can't help be remember it all began in the summer. My mom likes to use the word "kismet" while i prefer "kindred" but poe-tate-o, poe-tot-o. Some people are just speical. Sometimes it makes no sense, and you fight it at first, and then you give me, because it just makes sense it makes you a better human, and you know in your heart that it's how it's supposed to be.
Last summer began with crazy schedules, hot weather, new jobs, no jobs, and no school. I think i kind of feel in love over the kitchen table. Over good food, and late night talks, and summer nights. It was the first time i felt like i belonged anywhere. It was the beginning of breaking and healing, and it's so significant i could write on it forever. The way my heart bursts for the people who share the table with me is something not easily described in words.
And, then, at some point, either i made it up or it's real. I felt a shift. I felt that my people loved me less. that they stopped liking me and i got scared and then i was unsure about everything and somehow i doubt everything. I get afraid that the people whom i love so much are sick of me, and want me to leave but they are too afraid to say anything. and then it turns into mush in my brain and i literally become the worst.
I self destruct so that if things go south, i can just blame myself and my heart can feel less broken, only to realize that by being a pill, i'm ruining everything, and it just makes everything hard.
and nothing has changed in anyone else head but mine. I've speculated, and worried and made things up to the point where the truth is buried so deep under the lies that i literally cannot find it. and then i start need affirmation i wouldn't have before. and i literally lose my brain.
so, you can see how this can be problematic.
But tonight, as summer begins, so do i. I'm going to begin by apologizing, I'm going to chose the right time and the right words and they will be simple, and then i'm going to stop thinking that everyone will eventually break my heart.
And if they do, I'll simply begin again, and that's ok.
So here's to the beginning of this summer and to what's to come for better or worse. Here's to getting tattoos, with or without each other, and for loving well, and apologizing when you should, and just enjoying the people who are in your life
I don't know what's going to happen, but , "I have that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”
also, read Gatsby. just do it. the language is beautiful.
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