I feel like I've lost my "muchness."
I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of everything, when really, i don't know that it's possible. I need to make sense of it though, because then I'm less scared about the everything. But, as you can imagine, most of the time, it doesn't go particularly well.
On Tuesday someone asked me when i was going to start living my life. Literally. That happened.
It wasn't meant to be an offensive statement. It was born out of complete love and concern and general curiosity.
For real, Nicole. When?
Well, shit. Am I not living a life? Am i just treading water. what do you call what I've been doing for the last year.
cue mass panic.
I've been in a bit of a rebuilding process as of late, but I think construction has been super slow. Currently, I'm kind of looking for my heart beat, and also, my spark. these things are helpful in figuring out just who exactly you are.
I don't know if I've ever had a tight handle on that. don't know if I ever will. How do you know when you've arrived? Is that even the point? to arrive anywhere? Shouldn't we be consistently evolving?
All i know is that my life feels a little like Groundhog's Day. I keep waking up stuck in the same...whatever.....end result always being the same no matter how many factors i change.
And if you re trucking with my metaphor, I'm waking up on Monday morning again. All the transitions are happening. The people that I've poured my time into, that I've sacrificed "having a life for" are about to go in about 304 directions.
And I'm not sure where that leaves me. Yes, i'm angsty as f. Whoops, which is probably why i connect so much to Alice in Wonderland becuase I just feel like there'a whole lot of nonsense and its normal to everyone except for me and everyone wants to know about me and i can't answer the question.
I'm stuck in the looking glass.
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