bigger than my body....

So, I've always been the chubby, funny, dependable best friend. A supporting character in a cast of super stars.

I have beautiful friends. I always have, which is cool, but it has always ended with me beating up my body trying to be skinny enough and pretty enough.

 I can count on maybe two hands the number of times I've looked in the mirror and thought I looked....pretty....because beautiful isn't something that's attainable for me.

Why? Well, I'm chubby, i have a round face, a lazy eye, and I'm certainly not societies idea of beautiful.

Do i think i have a beautiful personality? Yeah, kinda. I think that's what makes people love me so much. I mean, those people love me. You know?

I've been thinking about this lately mostly because being "healthy" is kind of on my brain. Here's what i think about things. My whole life I've been shamed into not being OK with the size of my jeans, the shape of my face, the size of my thighs.

And to be honest, i don't care if Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. It's not the same size today. It doesn't make me feel better.

What I've come to really understand in a new way lately, is that being healthy has less to do with weight and pants size and more about food choices, activity level and mental health.

holy balls, mental health drives the rest of those things. When we aren't feeling stable, we starve ourselves, or binge or work out too much or not enough, and most of the time we do it without realizing it. We are in survival mode and just do what we have to to make it through the day.

i mean, i feel I've been on the verge of an eating disorder my whole life.

and it's not OK that i hate looking the mirror or i stare in the mirror over analyzing every imperfection. Thinking that maybe if were thinner I'd have a boyfriend and not be totally pathetic, and looking at my pretty flirty friends wanting so badly to have that kind of attention form the boys who wanted a piece of that and the girls who wanted to imitate that, and the confidence you get from being skinny and beautiful.

All of this is way unhealthy, i understand that. It's just whats in my head a lot. How can you expect anything different given the situation?

AND because it's in my head a lot, and i hate it, I spend a lot of time trying to teach younger girls how to fight those negative ideas. Teaching them how to love themselves so they don't have to,  at 28, 38 or older be dealing this same old shit.

and really, it's shit.

And all this been on my radar lately because for the first time ever, I've been comfortable enough with my group of friends to talk about body image. health. weight, size. etc.

It's kind of beautiful to be able to understand each other. To know what it's like to struggle with the scale and the mirror and the nutrition facts. To be so stressed out you say "fuck it" and eat a whole pizza. or bag of chips or whatever..

At the same time it's sad that we all feel so ashamed about it. Shame should not be something that we feel ever. We should be motivated by having enough self love that we want to take care of ourselves.  We should encourage each other not compete with each other to be skinner, or more ripped or more of anything...

What kills me, is that there are women in my life who are older than me that still struggle with all of this.  This deep seeded insecurity of what they look like, what people will think of how they look....when they are truly some of the most beautiful people i know. inside and out. With amazing stories to tell and wisdom to be shared. It makes me so sad that they have to worry about this because they are incedibly strong women, yet seems to be every superwomen's kryptonite.

Lately, I've been really acknowledging all my insecurities, and its cool to be able to relate to people in a way i never have before. It's much less scary when someone else has been there, too. and is still there and has to navigate all, too.

I just think we need to support each other rather than pity-ing and shaming ourselves into change. We need to be cheerleaders and kind truth tellers and partners rather than competitors. We need to love each other in ways that will motivate us to want to love ourselves well.

We need to define what "beautiful" means and with a smaller focus on a specific physical appearance.

I will never be a size 8, and I don't want to be. i want to be healthy. i want to be strong, I want to look in the mirror and not  hate what i see.

that's a big goal, I know, but it's one worth fighting for.

For for 13 year old me who didn't think she was pretty, and 23 year old me who cried because no boys ever like her and who constantly thought she wasn't good enough, and for 28 year old me who still doesn't love what she sees in the mirror....This is for you, and I hope 29 year old me will really start feeling good in her body.