when they point to my pictures, please tell them my name.....

Apparently, i have a lot to say tonight, which is not abnormal but i typically don't write it all down.

I'm cranky today, if you couldn't tell, and I'm just feeling a whole mess of things prompted by God knows what.

Holy buckets. I miss Melissa. and Brent. and John. Their faces grace all my pictures. Every single memorable moment of the last 10 years of my life has included them, either individually or collectively except for the last year.

And, I don't know, I'm just going through this bag of photos that make me miss people and things, but also makes me remember. All the memories seriously flood back like it all happened last night.

Walking home, late into the night, the four of us, sometimes holding on to each other, or laughing so hard we had to take breaks.  Going to parks to play on the swings, and the "Day of food" and how sick but fabulous we felt when it was over. We had our own language, we were always together. A kind of family you hope to find in college. or, in life, really.  We are the island of misfit toys but we're all just having a really great time.

I remember how good, and safe, and comfortable it was to be the "fab 4" It was beautiful and everything it was supposed to be.  I never want to forget what it felt like to be an "us."

Melissa: the pretty, risky, talented one, the messy one in need of a good rescue, always. The one we all lived vicariously through....
Brent: our sassy gay
John: resident comedian, driver of the nice car, practical in every way, loyal, loveable, the definition of nice guy,  the male version of Nicole, just better looking.
Nicole: the funny best friend, side kick. the least risky, and completely insecure about it. kisses boys when she's drunk and doesn't know what to do with that, the responsible rescuer.

Typically I'm real possessive of all my friends. They are mine, i don't share and i want them to love me the most....but i was always totally cool with how all four of us were together...even though Brent has been mine since I was 15.

Once, I told John, "i don't ever want to know what it feels like to not be us"

I remember senior year when I moved in before Melissa. I  was unpacking. alone. with two other roommates i didn't really love that much and Brent was moving in an apartment away, and john was there to supervise  (he graduated in 4 years unlike the rest of s ) and he rescued me form the awkward roommates who left notes like "we don't know what time we'll be home, it depends on how much fun we're having" These are the same roommates who sharpied "happy birthday" on their butts and mooned each other on their birthdays.

i don't even know. It happened. I was horrified.

But john showed up with booze and he brought the funny, and we laughed and drank and were ridiculous and i loved him for it.

I could go on and on, and I would if you let me.

I'm thankful for that time and sometimes i just miss it because sometimes i love who i am when I'm with them.  They understand without me having to say anything. It's the way we all finish each other sentences, can feel when things aren't ok, make you pee your pants because they're so funny kind of family, and i just adore the shit out of all them.

All that being said, our foursome got flipped on its head, and i got scared and sad about it so I haven't done a lot o repair any damage, but those three people hold such special places in my heart, and i actually kind of believe we've all just taken a detour to figure out who we are, and our roads will converge again, they might look a little different but they'll feel normal and right.

Right now, my "us" is so totally different and not at all what I expected but exactly what I need. There are two phrases that come to mind when i think about my people.

"when i met you, i had no idea how important you'd be" and "I didn't expect it to change me"

This family feels different, it feels more....real...maybe because the steaks are higher? and the love is different. I've handed them my heart in a totally different way, and I'd like to think they've done the same. It's less about sitting on a bed and reliving what happened the night before, and talking about kissin' boys and school. and far off dreams. It's real dreams, real love and it's all tethered by Jesus. I have handed over the power for them to totally break my heart. To call bullshit and to step in for real if things are getting out of control. When they talk,  I listen, ,and argue but i understand.  I've let them all the way in, they get to swim in the beautiful crazy that is my head and heart.

Sometimes I realize the gravity of that kind of vulnerability and it makes me nervous, and I feel incredibly inadequate. I'm young. and dumb and i have no idea what in the world i could possibly offer them. 

For whatever reason though (and really, the reason is Jesus) it works, and it has changed me and wrecked me and stretched me and what an incredible blessing to have people to just exist with.

I used to be really sad about not having the same exact friends from the time i came out of the womb, and i haven't had the same best friend for my whole life. Now, though, i look at it as having an incredible opportunity to love a so many people.

I'm not sure if the is an adequate word for what Lisa is in my life, but i do know that we are absolutely kindred spirits. and i don't think she'll ever understand on how many levels i relate or understand, but i hope we have a long time to figure it out. She's just my favorite human that's not blood related to me.

 I hope that this isn't a "season" because i don't know that I'd ever recover for the loss of the A-team. They are in my heart unlike anyone else. There are not many people who get a permanent place in my heart like that.

This whole letting people have pieces of your heart is tough and scary and sometimes i get really freaked out about all of it.

But I know that someday I'll look back at these pictures and the smiles will be so real and vivid, that I'll be able to remember exactly how the kitchen table felt when we were laughing or exactly what it sounded like when we prayed before Africa, or what it felt like to hug Lisa when she came home from Africa, or pulling out Nick's tooth, and celebrating birthdays and anniversaries and the change of season.

or how it felt when we realized that God answered all of our prayers in the most unconventional way.