There was a mass exodus of people I love in the last week and a half because they all have lives.
and, me? Well, I'm just really good at holding down the fort.
It actually hasn't been bad at all...except for the broken side mirror and missin' my people a little bit, it's actually been a super cool, beautiful, relaxed time.
First of all, I said good-bye to Emma and Julia, which was hard. One of my friends talks about her heart being "outside of her body" when she talks about her son. I love that. and I kind of understand it, I just released Emma and Ju to the world with no control over what happens to them, and I'm nervous for them, but I also have this deep hope that they will live good lives that they are proud of. Granted, they are not my children. I can't imagine how I will feel about the humans I've actually created, but Emma and Ju are a part of me in a way no one else is, so it was emotional.
Then on Tuesday I got to witness my lindstedts renew their vows after 30 years. Holy cow, i just wept through the whole thing. It was so beautiful. I don't think we celebrate marriage enough. We celebrate weddings, but not marriage, and it's a big deal. Especially because of the hills and valleys and loving someone enough to not completely kill them...to last 30 years growing and changing and fighting and loving...it's just beautiful. Their words were simple and sweet and straight from the heart, and so exactly who both of them are. I know their marriage has been super rocky at times and I'm sure at some point they were both ready to throw in the towel....but they didn't...they fought for there to be an "us" and they continue for fight for that.
And then sitting there, surrounded by family and a few close friends, i was totally overwhelmed that they love me enough to invite me into this inner circle of people who they are totally honest with, whom they love fiercely, and respect. To be honest, i'm still a little shocked that i made the cut, and part of me wants to "buck it" (Lisa words are creeping into my life) because it's a cool kid club, but i can't because i love them and i was so happy to be there. they have built a beautiful network of people. This community is solid and chuck full of history, and they have poured into all of us, and us into them....and at some point i have to stop trying to break up the club and just feel really blessed that i belong somewhere. These people will fight for me, pray for me, and love me. I have never doubted that there is a place for me on the lindstedt couch or at their table, and while we've all had a lot going on and big major super life things happening in the mean time that have cause blurred boundaries and mistakes....i don't think I've ever doubted that their love for me is authentic.
and as someone who needs a ton of affirmation, that's a big deal. And then people left but somehow i'm managed to hang out with Rita and Libby well into the late hours of the night. We talked about life, and Jesus and drank wine and we talked about how wonderfully messy everything is and we each took turns weeping about something,...and i got to sit there and listen to years of wisdom and wit and love pour of these women and i loved every single second of it.
I know how blessed i am, sometimes I just forget. I needed a big strong reminder, and I definitely go it.
Today, i had lunch with Michelle downtown and it was so lovely. She is a good egg. She's funny and has all the wisdom ever and doesn't talk to me like i'm a wandering, lost 20 something, which I appreciate. (i fully recognize that i'm a lost, wandering 20 something, but she lets me vent and dream and doesn't tell me i cant) We laughed and ate really good gluten free hippy Mexican...which was so good. and also....cucumber lemonade is a thing...and i love it. And we talked about Africa and IJM and i loved every second of it. This trip gets me ever time. Not because some of my favorite humans were on it...but because Jesus is so good at jacking everything up in the best ways and making things come together when we think its not possible.
There was just something about being alone this week and realizing that only SOME of my people are gone ( but a significant some) that began to stir up excitement in me about what's to come. For whatever reason i needed to know that while a lot has changed, and I've changed, there are still constants, and I'm still me...just a better, ever evolving version. I am DOING things...which hasn't been happening a lot lately...i don't do much. i haven't made an effort with very many people and i want to change that. Also, i drove right to Crossroads after my love affair with Minneapolis and talked to Tina about 180...chatted with the youth pastor...who seems great...minus being a bear fan...and it looks like I'm going to be able to be the senior girls small group leader.
HOLY SHIT I'M SO EXCITED. I'm good at loving teen agers. I'm going to learn all I can, and make connections and be a rock star...and then maybe someone will just let me work at a church and love Jesus as a career and lifestyle.
I don't wanna talk jobs. yuk. holy cow though, by the grace of god and the a team, i have somehow managed to make it through summer having literally none dollars. Crossroads? maybe. hopefully. I just wish someone would weigh in.
Well, more wins than losses this week. It's all anyone can hope for, right?
Dinner with Matt and Els tomorrow. We'll laugh, and talk about Africa and Gallery and they'll say smart things and i'll just be really glad to be in their company.
All the word vomit ever. I just needed to get all out. This is literally a 12 year olds journal entry and I'm not even sorry about it.
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