So, I decided that probably wasn't fair to just say..."today, i feel insecure" and call it a day. I haven't wrapped my mind around all of it so it's difficult to know exactly where to start.
I tend to pretend to dole out sage advice sometimes and I find myself saying "just start somewhere." A lot, actually. So, I, too, need to start somewhere, and as disjointed and...rabbit trail-y as this might be, you're getting a pretty decent look into my heart.
Which i feel completely anxious about, even if you no one ever reads this...it's still out in space somewhere....with the potential to be read.
Ok. so the truth. I'm feel out of sorts for a couple of reasons and I even think i know why, so basically i can be my own therapist so that's fun, and you know...cheap.
As a half time extrovert, i crave community and people. As a people pleaser i crave affirmation. As a human, i want it to be authentic. and as a crazy fool, i never allow myself to believe that it's real. I have no idea where that comes from, but there it is.
My need to belong is strong, and i feel looking at this rationally, i belong most in the space I'm in now. I feel completely comfortable and loved. For this first time in 28 years my value doesn't come from other people's words, which is beautiful and I'm sure just as Jesus intended it. Rationally, I'm very blessed and super thankful. I know this is my actually reality which is why the following is going to be the dumbest thing you've probably ever read.
irrationally....i feel like I'm taking advantage of beautiful hearts and people. I'm a mess and some how i can unable to clean it up myself....so my mess is oozing into others peoples lives. Like i live with beautiful, wonderful, amazing people who dont' make me pay rent, even though they could absolutely use the money...and i swear once I'm a real person, I'll give them everything i have.....
and i feel horribly guilty about it, and that makes me feel like I'm a huge burden. and it makes me worried that they'll eventually hate me. because in my irrational brain. People don't tell the truth and wont protect me. and people always quit when I've served my purpose.
and I'm only good enough for the in between time, the transition from here to there.
Then there was the whole leadership conference which solidified that a. I've been lead by some pretty crappy leaders. 2. i could be a decent leader if i had something to lead. I wont lead anything because I'm paralyzed with all this irrational fear...and it's ridiculous. I need to do something. The pressure to do something is for sure being felt....you know, like you'd feel a nail in your head....and i need to have a plan and i need to do things quickly.
and i wanna change the world but i feel like i don't have the ability to do it because I'm not good enough. gross. for real. aren't i too old for that ? The answer is yes.
Yesterday someone said you can't love other people well if there is no self love...but i do feel like i love other people well....while not loving myself enough.
I realize it's ridiculous, but today those feelings have gotten the best of me. But words make worlds and sometimes lies win, but just for the day.
i'm sure its super exhausting for anyone who knows me to love me and be in community with me because one day i'm like "everyone is beautiful and lovely and what am amazing world we live in" and the next day i'm like "i'm worthless." i'd get really sick of it. i do get sick of it.
tomorrow. i'll tell you about how beautiful words are....but today all the shitty ones are shoving their way to the front. elbowing the truth out of the way to be noticed.
Well, i noticed. and i'm kind of over it. So. I'm praying about it, because i believe jesus wants more from me, i'm not going to win the "good enough war" alone.
so...yeah. tomorrow will be better.
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