Someday, Someday, Maybe

I sit in a strange space.

On one hand I'm a dreamer. A big one. I dream about making impacts on the lives of the people in my life. I dream about changing communities for the better. I dream about living in a community where kids are valued and loved and are aware of how special they are. I dream about being more like Jesus. I dream of having a job where i get paid to show/tell/do Jesus like stuff.

and i dream about being Carrie Bradshaw with a little less sex and smoking, and being a greeting card writer, and naming nail polish, and picking out songs for movies and tv shows.

and i dream about weddings and babies, and having friendships that people write books about, and a family that is solid and strong.

I have a lot of dreams. and some of them are really quite strange.

On the other hand, though, I'm a do-er. A gap filler, a problem solver.

Where there is a need that I can fill, I try really hard to be the person that fills it. This sometimes gets me into trouble because i let these kinds of things drain me....to the point where I'm running on fumes (that is completely Rita metaphor, but i love her extra lately, so I'm good with it)

Right now, I've got this strange identity crisis. It's like I've forgotten what i can do and where my heart beats. It's like I'm not good at what i feel so called to.

it's all lies, but i don't know how to get past it. I feel like will die on this hill, and I'll do it to myself.

There is something so annoying and tragic about low self esteem.

Anyway, with all the self-doubt i fight on a daily basis, there are few things that have been really good for my heart.

1. books. I get lost in characters and stories and words. Especially if I can relate. I've wanted a book to speak to me for a while. I wanted a reason to fall in love with all the things I love again. I expected to be a Jesus book. Well, it wasn't. it was a stupid fictional book bought totally on the fact that i love the Gilmore Girls a ridiculous amount and I think Lauren Graham is the just the best.

Well, 340 pages, some Salinger references (i mean, I love that man) and some quirkiness later. I totally get Franny. And somehow I feel less crappy about being lost in my 20s because she is too.

2. people. Specific people. I spend my days with people who are way younger than I am or older, which, can be a bit....draining. But in doing so, I understand the need to keep a sense of humor about you as well as see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your 20's eventually end, and you eventually figure enough out to function and not totally lose your mind.

and when you do lose your mind, there are people to come home to that remind you that you will make it out of your 20s alive, and some things get easier.  But this time is a struggle, and it should be because life is a ride.  There should be twists and turns and new things and hard things. And you should look in the mirror and see parts of yourself but also the evolution of the person you're becoming.

You're always becoming.

There is a short story by Sandra Cisneros called "Eleven" and it's my favorite short story of all time. it's a reminder that we may be 11, but were all the ages before that too...

always becoming.

and there's something beautiful and hopeful about that.