I love Jesus, I do. a lot.
I work at a church. I swear. I drink too much sometimes. Sometimes i'm a bitch. Sometimes i judge. I think that more often than not, Jesus would be disappointed in me. No, i don't think i'm the "standard" suburban church goer. I read Hatmaker blogs. I got to leadership conferences, I listen to podcasts and read lots of books. I volunteer. I've read shane claiborne and loved it. I believe in intentional community and feeding the poor and caring for oprhans and widows. I think Mark Discoll is full of shit.
I don't devo on the regular, I don't really like small groups. I tend to go to church and decide whether a service was good or not based on the worship set and the language used to flush out Bible verses.
On second thought, maybe i am just like everyone else...
See, here's the deal: I don't like to admit it, but my faith ebbs and flows as often as the tides come in and out, and right now, we're at a low tide.
My problem is not with Jesus or the Bible. I feel like my heart breaks for the right stuff and I really do try to love people well and love them like Jesus. And I believe that the Bible is truth, and that one day everything will be restored.
and even though, i know and understand grace, sometimes it's hard to believe that it's extended to me as much as it's extended to....really shitty people.
or at least people who are shitty in a different way than i am.
Right now, the church (little c) is just a strange little concept. Mostly because i've been hurt by the church. Well, to be more specific, people in the church. I get annoyed with how we word things, and how services are set up and that we put a lot of pressure on stupid things like announcements, and that being on stage is a big effing deal and that people manipulate situations to get up there, and that in the church where we should be held to a higher standard, we are very "every man for himself" kind of people. And....when i was most on fire for God, most into my faith, the people who were walking along side of me were losing their shit right along with me.
And what i thought was a Jesus centered community and loving sacrificially was really just super horrible boundaries and deep desire to feel needed and loved. So basically we are all on a sinking ship trying to empty out of the water with buckets....I just had two buckets...one for other people and their shit, and one for mine....but my bucket for my stuff was teeny tiny.
Enter the cool kid club, which completely wrecked me. I turned into what i thought was a better version of myself that turned out to be lie, and it took losing everything i was comfortable with to undo the shitty cool kid I became.
And then people who i loved (still do) and respected and counted on for wisdom and guidance turned out, to my surprise, to be broken, human, and real.
So what do you do when those "falls from grace" end up shattering you, too?
How do you speak truth and love well, and give grace when the exact thoughts in your head are anything but kind and jesus like.
When all you can think of is "After all i've done, and all i've sacrificed, you turn out to be not what you promised and you've hurt me in the process"
If you're thinking, "wow, that sounds like it's all about you" You'd be right. it is all about me, at least right now. but what i'm trying to figure out is how to get past it.
How to not see how they've hurt me, but see their brokenness and understand that they were doing the best they could. that they were hurting and confused and broken. I don't know how to not be angry about how hurt i feel. I don't know how to not resent all the affirmation i never got, I don't know how to forgive them for not caring that i got burned out and i was sad and I didn't know where God was in any of it.
My heart is selfish right now because my heart is wounded. I want it to heal, but i'm not sure how God's going to redeem any of this. I feel like i've lost a lot, there are glimpses of Jesus here and there in people and in provision, but big picture? I have no idea what story this is telling.
i don't know that people will look at this and see Jesus. I don't feel like this tells a story about restoration or relationships or anything really other than a bunch of people who love Jesus trying to do something big but failing miserably.
I don't really feel Jesus in church (little c) right now. I don't feel him, and that's a problem. I haven't been moved to action in the longest time. i see church as a machine right now, a formula of songs, and slides and message notes.
i see Jesus more in people. In their conduct when they keep getting knocked down. In adoptions, and grief, and gap standing and in 8 year olds who want to just spend time with you.
i used to be wrecked by messages. Remember when Jonah came in like wrecking ball? Remember the sermon on the mount? Brad preaching through Matthew in general?
I miss that. I miss sundays being my favorite. i miss being inspired and doing jesus like stuff.
i know this is all on me. The bible is no less inspiring than it once was. I know that it's up to me to do the work.
I kind of just don't know where to start.
I guess the silver lining in all of it, is after the ebb there is always a flow. There will be a new season when i'm on fire again.
I can feel the kindling This weekend at church, there were some cool world vision and cov people around. They talked about the bible "bleeding justice" and loving the poor and as my heart broke for all of the people who live with out basic necessities,tears began to roll down by face.
We are talking ugly crying.
Jesus is in the mess even when i can see it, and he'll grab my heart and squeeze it until it softens again and he'll push me to action.
Because that's who i want to be. i'll get there...it's just a lot of baby steps.
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