Yesterday I got lost in the circus, feelin' like such a mess.....

I miss what used to be. I can't help but reminisce.

The way it used to be, is almost never as magical as you think it is. Still, there an innocence and simplicity of "used the be" that always makes you long for it. Wanting to chase it like a balloon floating into the sky. Thinking if i could only grab the string i could hold on to that happiness a little bit longer.

What we rarely realize is "used to be" is just like "now" with slightly different circumstances. We still cry, and hurt, and laugh and dance, but all in a different scene and to a different tune. And, in a short while, we'll be longing for  now, and thinking about how lovely it was.

Times change. People change. Places change, yet, my heart feels the same, but my brain keeps telling it to be something different. Be more mature. Be an adult. Get on board with this age thing. Times a wastin'. We aren't getting any younger.

Of course, my heart doesn't listen. It's hanging out on display for all the world to see. It's messy and scared and full and beats with a love that is unrelenting.  What does the world see while my heart is on display?  A girl who has nothing under control or figured out or nailed down, yet she has a deep desire to love furiously, heal brokenness, and live a life that Jesus can delight in.

Sometimes the scary things get the best of me. Especially when I live for worldly things like being liked, and being needed. Sometime the devil fills my head with lies until i start to believe them. I believe the ugly lies that people always leave, that I'm only good enough for now, that i wont ever figure it out.  That ruins everything. I am not me when these lies fill my head.

These lies fester and  seep into to everything.  It makes me question people. always. People who have done nothing but love, and take care of me, and try to get my head and heart to agree that  i am worth all the trouble.

I know God hears me best when i'm on my knees. So here i sit, on my knees with nothing to offer but a heart that beats for  a deep faith and desire to be who I am supposed to be.  I pray that I have the ability to love without limits, to forgive. To forget, to give grace as freely as i get it.

Sometimes my heart breaks, but i know it's just to understand new truths. I know that hurt means healing, and a scar however small means survival and I've been carried through with strength not my own.