The word disappointment hangs kind of heavy in the air today. Disappointment to me, makes me feel selfish. Like a 3 year old who didn't get her way.
I'm the adult version of that today. Today, i'm disappointed. I just read an article about maturity, and how, often, as women, we don't allow ourselves to feel emotions such as fear or disappointment, or anything other than contentedness, really. Instead we let them fester, which breeds anger.
Anger, as you know, and i certainly know, is a secondary emotion, expressed only when you're head and heart are full to the tipy top of things you've been holding in that have been poking you for just a tad too long.
Anger, as you know, looks good on exactly 0% of people.
Anyway, my point and the article's point was that it's ok to feel those emotions,and it's even healthy because then you know how to work though them.
Well, today i was disappointed. I was super looking forward to going to the farmers market today. I literally dreamed about strolling and flowers and coffee and all the laughs i would have with my dear friend. It was going to be sunny and fabulous and i'd get to spend 1 or 2 hours with my friend uninterrupted but any other humans.
and it sounded like heaven.
Well, when that didn't happen, today, which as a rational, big-girl, looking at it now is not a big deal in the slightest, i immediately stuffed what i was actually feeling and whipped out some sass and out the door i left in a huff.
and then i felt dumb for the following reasons
1. we can go to the farmers market pretty much any time. and we could go on Sunday, literally the day after today, and it would be the exact same form of wonderful.
2. my disappointment had nothing to do with the actual destination but rather that i could not spend 1 or 2 uninterrupted hours with my pal. Then i immediately felt ridiculous but that's a lot of pressure to put on someone and i have exactly none right to be that demanding.
So...i went to work, which i hated, and then i found out that i am not volunteering at VBS next week like i thought and i was disappointed again because:
1. i feel inadequate and i just want people to like me and this felt the opposite of being liked.
2. i had a plan and the plan did not work out.
Then i got a pedi with aforementioned friend and it was lovely except that i was still crabby and i didn't feel like going in to the depths of why i was crabby because i knew that i was being selfish and i was afraid it was turn into something bigger...so i hemmed and hawed and was generally crabby the whole day.
And now, i'm tired. I'm less disappointed and more blaze about the whole thing. I think we all have our days and as much i believe in honesty and saying how you feel, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do.
because i talk myself out feeling justified and right into apology.
and the reality is that i feel a little worn out. Maybe i think I do more every day than other people do, or maybe i just feel less poured into by....anyone, really, than i have in a couple months.
so, today i was disappointed. I was a disappointed almost 30 year old who didn't get her way. and it was unattractive at best.
No comments:
Post a Comment