It's my turn to be brave.....

I'm going to be honest: I'm not the bravest person around. I mean, not really, which is interesting because I am pretty good at being brave for other people. I'll fight someone else battle, I'll get down in the dirt with them, I'll do whatever for people i care about. You feelin' me?

When it comes to me, though, and fighting for anything that's mine and not like a cause or an issue that affects more than just me, I'm a wimp. my backbone is almost non-existent, which is why i have issues with people pleasing, saying no and having healthy boundaries.

I'm going to need you to keep your comments to yourself about how accurate the above statement is. I get it. So, get off me. :)

I feel, though, with the word brave, the word faith must be ultimately tied. In the act of being brave is the idea that you're stepping out in faith that whoever and whatever (I'm trying to not be overtly Jesus-y right now because this is applicable to non-Christians)  you cling to spiritually, has your back.

Along with that is the ability to give up control over what is about to happen. Being brave requires that you do something that might end up hurting you. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially ....whatever else you want to put an "ly" on ...If the consequences weren't big, you wouldn't need to be brave to do it.

right?

So, my point. While I don't think of myself as brave, I also don't think I would classify myself as having a weak faith, though i am just a wee bit of a control freak. I go to church, i'm in a small group, i pray, i journal (sparingly). I do everything that i'm supposed to do.

but, the reality is, I don't always believe that the God I pray to will come through for me. *shock and horror* I know, I know. You can start praying for me now.

 Let's be real though, we all struggle with that.

It's not like once you drink the Jesus juice suddenly it's easy to do all the things like pray diligently, fight injustice, and have this rocks star relationship with the one who made you. It's never that easy, because the world is broken and jacked up and everything is hard.

so. My faith kind sucks sometimes. I don't love surrendering my life to a God i will never fully understand. Who time and time again breaks my heart and messes with my comfortable life in order that I know him on a deeper level and love his people in a deeper way.

It's hard. I don't always love doing it. It's a lot of tears to be shed. it's a lot of changing my priorities. It's work that i don't want to have to keep doing. It's being actively aware of flaws and consistently being humbled. It's always praying "your will be done" and meaning it. every single time.

I mean, whoa.

So, in knowing that I needed to have more faith, that I need to surrender fully (though, not going to lie, i have no idea how to ACTUALLY do this. like at all.) that i need to trust that all things work together for my good....i knew i needed to be a little brave. Its says somewhere in the bible "you have not because you ask not" or something to that affect. I'm not sure where it is, but if you googled that, I'm certain you'd find it. I'm also not sure how Jesus feels about me paraphrasing, but I think it's fine.  Don't judge, I'm not a pastor (we're all thankful for that)

So, I asked for what I wanted. like out loud to real people. I actually told people what I wanted, and I've asked people to pray. I've processed (and if you know me, and have had to participate in my processing, bless you.) and I've done it all knowing that it might not work out.

It might hurt. It might not be in the cards, I might be reading into all the things.....and the whole ordeal has made me a ball of anxiety, because praying "your will be done" is not for the faint of heart. 

So now, i get to wait. I sit in this tension of past and future, trying hard to believe with my whole heart that God truly does have my back, and no matter what, glory will be given.

And it's scary.

and it makes my palms sweaty, but it's my turn to be brave.