Provision....

Nothing in my life ever goes the way I plan. I'm not complaining but I am a planner by nature, so when my plans don't work out, I cuss a lot. I also gesture and cry.  I'm dramatic.

It's just who I am.

So here I sit, still trying to recover from some set backs that all seemed to happen within a year of each other, my heart has recovered but for the first time in my entire life, I have no plan.

Nope, not even the start of one. Well. shit. That's a problem, right?

Well, It's not ideal. The control freak part of my brain gets a little panic-y but it's actually totally fine, and I'll tell you why: God always provides. always. That's not to say I've gotten everything I wanted, but I have  absolutely gotten everything I need and then some.

In the past year, I lost 2 apartments, some friends, my job, several cars and basically any sense of security that i had. I should also mention that it seems that just about everyone in my life was losing their minds, too. We were walking through divorce, addiction, foreclosures, financial struggle, mental health and stability.

i,mean.shit.got.real.

And then i had a hard time figuring out where God was and how I could love him well in the midst of this storm. How to have faith for yourself and for others. How to praise Him when he didn't seem present. What does it look like to really love God in the middle of struggle.

I have to admit, I'm still perfecting this art. However, I really have learned that God is in every part of crisis and tragedy he just manifests himself in different ways, and I know with every part of me, that when we are broken and  crying, our God cries with us.

In my life and in the lives of my people, he shows up in people. The church being the church. People stepping up and pitching in, getting their hands dirty....especially when it's not convenient.

Now, with all I "lost," I've had incredible gain. Somehow when I didn't have any money, I still ate and put gas in my car. People took care of me and loved me with out expectation.

that.is.beautiful, and it looks like Jesus.

It was always having somewhere to go, someone to process with, someone to cry with or laugh or just sit with. It is in continued prayers, and taking people meals, and hugs and text messages. It's letting people move in with you even though it's probably not the easiest or most ideal situation, and doing it in love.

The most beautiful thing is when people become family. I can't pinpoint exactly when, how or why it happens, but there are people in life who "doing life with" just seems so comfortable and normal. It's not necessarily always easy, or fun, or happy, but your heart feels peace. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. People that just make me feel so loved, and push me to always want to be more like Jesus.

All of this is daily bread. We continue to get exactly what we need from a God who loves us more than we can ever understand. He is everywhere we just have to look for him with the right set of lenses.

So, while I may not have a plan, I'm trusting that the plans that God has for me are even better than anything I could come up with.

This kind of faith is intense, and it's something I struggle with, especially when my control freak side tries to escape, but I try to do the best I can.